There are certain times in your life when your bubble bursts. It's not just finding out your are wrong when you thought you were right, or not getting something you want or expected to get, but more, it is losing something you know is important; a point of view, an ideal, or in my case a role model.
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I started writing this a month ago. I never finished it and although it isn't really what I want to vent about now, it does still apply, but this time to a different role model.
Now I am not so naive to think that all role models are perfect. But once you realize the imperfections of the person you placed on a pedestal, it is hard to reshape that image with having to destroy it all together and rebuild a new one. This happens in all kinds of ways, it could be a situation or event that causes the change in ones perspective of that person, they fall and so too your image of what they were falls. Or the recognition of the imperfection of that person already exists, but then an unexpected action causes a pain that you would have never hoped would come from that person. Or maybe you look back on the past, on something that was ideal when you were in it, and then when you are hurt by it, you look back to find why it didn't work, why it was bad and why you don't want it anymore. For whatever reason it is, broken glass can never be restored to what it once was, it will always have shards missing, that are key to the integrity of the whole.
There are experiences like this that I have faced in the past and could even say I am currently experiencing. I learned through a relationship not to speak up, so that it would never be my fault that the glass was shattered, something I assumed I would never be able to fix. Or maybe I could not speak about it because it wasn't me...it wasn't my problem I was just aware of it but had no active part in it. It was private, not to be shared. After one experience where I have been injured to the point of deep emotional and internal sorrow and pain, I didn't speak because I had no one to speak to. My best friends were far away, my roomates were gone, my friends were minimal because of my schedule. I was forced to DEAL and process with no one but God and this blog. Truly the reason for the origins of this blog were indeed because I felt I had no one to talk to.
So here I am again.
A thought crossed my mind the other day. If something completely tragic happened to me and I needed someone to talk to, who would I call? I have friends, I have really good friends, I have some really great friends. But who would I WANT to talk to, whose shoulder would I choose to cry on, who would I want to be there with me, that I was completely comfortable with, who would listen, understand, relate to me and allow me to be whatever mess I am in that moment? No one came to mind. (Yes Andrew D. I would call you and mom I would call you)
But there is no one that completely fits that description and is in a relative proximity to me that I would desperately want to be there for me. I have learned these thing because of how I have dealt with experiences in the past. I don't speak because I am the vulnerable one. I love being that person, that shoulder, that comfort for others, but when the tables are turned, I am afraid, I am uncomfortable, I am wary that I will be judged, or the things I share will reflect on me and the people that I am sharing about. I have learned that "I can do it myself" when indeed I know I can't and more than that...I don't want to.
I don't know how to move towards a change in that area of my life. I want to talk and have those friendships that are so open nothing I say will ever affect the friendship or change it. Indeed I have those relationships but I am the problem in them because I share my heart but I never BARE my heart.
In this way I am the one trapped in the bubble, and perhaps I am the one who needs to be burst.
