It Was All a Lie

I'm not mad, or ever really all that sad about the stuff you talked to me about. I am not really sure of how I am supposed to feel. I am already over what we had, or at least what I was under the impression we had. But now with new information, the impression was wrong which means it was all a lie.

I have a right to be mad. I have a right to feel hurt. I have a legitimate reason to feel unloved, pretty much because you told me you're heart was never really in it. I have a right to not want to have anything to do with you, but for some reason I am unable to employ those rights. Not because I am weak, or because I need you, I don't. Although it sounds harsh it is looking like I am better off without you and the sham of a relationship we once called ours, was never healthy and was never genuine so there must be something much better out there for me.

I took everything upon myself this summer. I was sorry I wasn't good enough for you, I couldn't give you what you needed, I wasn't the one, I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to be with you. But I am learning that although I made mistakes too, the problem wasn't me.

But still, I can't hate you. I feel as if I should, but I had decided from the moment you proclaimed the need to confess that no matter what hurt I suffered, you were already forgiven. I wanted to extend the grace to you that has been extended to me, a grace that far goes beyond anything I deserve, and deep into the heart of what has saved me from my suffering. I hope that you can see what I have tried to do, not be filled with hate, and not be s bitch, but love you despite the pain you have caused. I hope that you can understand that I have tried SO hard to be this way and that by no stretch of the imagination has it been easy.

I know that you hurt too, and I am not trying to delegitimize your pain, but it makes it hard for me to believe you when things were kept a secret, and motivations were never out of anything but selfish desire. I poured every inch of my soul and every piece of my heart into loving you and to a certain extent I am glad you broke it, because I would have never received that in return.

Learn from this. Don't repeat these mistakes. Don't hurt someone else the way you have hurt me. If I mean nothing else to you I hope that I was able to show you something about love, and I hope that someday you can love with every piece of your being, and with every part of your heart. Don't let this be a waste, and I will try not to let it become that either. We owe it to each other to learn, to be challenged by this, to be forgiven and to become more like Christ through this situation. As Christ continues to love us, so I will continue to love you.