I should be asleep, and for once I probably could be. I am exhausted, but because I have promised that tomorrow will not be spent drowning in my sorrow, I have to get it out today.
Once again I face a rejection, minimal in value but the sting hurts all the same. I wanted a job, it was going to be convenient, it was going to be a blessing, it was going to be exactly what I needed for the summer. But I didn't get it. I barely got told that I didn't get it. I got rejected.
Yesterday I was planning on playing my music this summer, having a day job, living with 3 roomates, graduating in December, and touring next summer with a band. Today, no day job, which potentially leads to no music, 2 roomates and no tour with the band. If I don't graduate in december I am going to be PISSED. Haha.
I guess I feel like a failure. Everything I seem to have put my mind to has failed, whether it is a long lived dream, a long loved relationship, a convenient shoe in job, a leadership position, etc etc. The only things I have succeeded in getting are a series of dead end jobs, wohoo. What is it about me that isn't good enough for something better than this? Why aren't I ever the chosen one? Why doesn't anyone want me and think I could do a good job? One time I got picked for something that could have been awesome, and that time I backed out because I didn't think I would. I failed even when given the opportunity. So now I am afraid. I am afraid of never being good enough. I seem to be a Jack of all trades and master of none. I can do some stuff pretty good but there is nothing I am great at. What am I supposed to do if I can never succeed? How will I ever succeed, if I never believe I will? How will I ever believe I will, if I never do? It's a vicious cycle. I choose not to live in fear and I choose not to be a defeatest, but I am more discouraged than hopeful.
Where do I turn when all the doors I knock on are locked? How do I figure out what God wants me to do if all the options I have in front of me are failing? What road do I not see and why do I keep missing it? I have tried SO hard to let God lead me where he desires me to be, but more often than not I feel I am being led down a dead end; or I am the densest person on earth; or I just don't I understand. I feel like my prayers have become futile. Everything I seem to pour my heart into, everything I seem to want or seem to think God would allow me to have, I don't get. What am I supposed to want? And why now should I have any expectation that I will ever get anything that I want? WHAT AM I MISSING?
What if I never see the big picture? What if I never understand why I am being tested, or why I am suffering, or why I seem to suck at life? What if there is purpose in my life and I never see it? What then?
I know God has a plan and I will never doubt that. I guess I just wish for once, I would see it plainly, and it would be easy. Not exactly what I signed up for when I decided to follow Christ. Tomorrow is a new day. I will start it fresh.
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