Question: What is Love?

I know what love is. Most people would now say, "or at least I thought I did." But I know what love is. Love is unconditional despite great hurt and hardship, love is sacrifice for the good of no oneself but the person they love. Love is listening when someone needs to talk and talking when someone needs to hear. Love is dealing with the monotony, and overcoming the struggle, and saying nothing, but communicating to that person that you love that you are not going anywhere, ever. I know what love is because I was in love.

So when do I know that I am not in love anymore? What if I don't know how to not be in love? When do I fully recognize that I don't love someone anymore, is it when they decide to not love me? Is is when they don't want to be with me anymore? Is it when I am hurt by them? If these are things that should make me believe I am not in love anymore, then why do still feel like I am still in love. Or maybe I am not, but how do I recognize the difference?

People have told me that you never truly let go of your first love, and others say that you never really get over the first love, until you throw yourself into another relationship that leads to love. Maybe I have convinced myself I am not in love anymore. But what if I am never ready to be in another relationship? What if I feel like I am incapable to loving anyone else? That's not fair. That's not fair to me or anyone that wants to love me. Why and how can I still be in love with someone who I know I can't be with, who I know I shouldn't be with, but for some reason is the only person I want to be with?

Do we really choose who we love? Or is it really that we can't fight who we love? If it is the first one, then we should be able to choose who we don't love anymore. But if it is the second, then what am i supposed to do? Why would God allow us to love someone we know we cannot be with? Why would God give us a hope and a dream that would never be filled? Are we supposed to find that nothing in this world satisfies but Christ? Done. I know that. I have peace that God gives and God takes away but I have little peace for the things he has removed and little contentment and understanding of why I still feel the way I do.

There are boys out there that want me. I have never been that girl that every boy wanted, that was never me. So why now? And why now that everyone wants me, am I unable to return any feeling and depth? If I had to pick anyone to be with, the first one that I would choose would be the one I chose to lose, and who chose to lose me. I don't want to get married someday and have to say "I do love this man, but I will always love the man I lost more." I don't want to have to split me love or my heart between anyone. So do I wait to heal? Will I know when the right one comes along? Will I know when I have moved on out of love? Do I try with someone else even if I know that i haven't moved on? What is the right thing to do? I have tried so hard to do the right thing but I don't know how to reconcile how I feel with what I know, and what I should do. I am pretty sure life never gets any less confusing, but I hope someday I will know what has changed inside of me and why.

Running in Quicksand

I have a headache right now and I don't feel all that great so I apologize for whatever words fly out that are uncalled for. I have been trying REALLY hard to get my album done for Friday. I have worked on it for the last two weeks straight and have poured all of my time, my heart, my soul and my effort into meeting this deadline. I am on the home stretch but in order for me to finish I need the assistance of some friends and right now, they are not cooperating, or even communicating with me and it is very frustrating. I can't do the next thing until this part is finished. I haven't exhausted myself for the last two weeks so that on Friday I have nothing to show for myself. I have been running toward the goal and made a lot of progress so far and now I am trying to run but getting nowhere. How do I get there without the help of others? Especially now when I really need it.

Guess that's really all I have to say. Thought it would be more, but not so much.

It Was All a Lie

I'm not mad, or ever really all that sad about the stuff you talked to me about. I am not really sure of how I am supposed to feel. I am already over what we had, or at least what I was under the impression we had. But now with new information, the impression was wrong which means it was all a lie.

I have a right to be mad. I have a right to feel hurt. I have a legitimate reason to feel unloved, pretty much because you told me you're heart was never really in it. I have a right to not want to have anything to do with you, but for some reason I am unable to employ those rights. Not because I am weak, or because I need you, I don't. Although it sounds harsh it is looking like I am better off without you and the sham of a relationship we once called ours, was never healthy and was never genuine so there must be something much better out there for me.

I took everything upon myself this summer. I was sorry I wasn't good enough for you, I couldn't give you what you needed, I wasn't the one, I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to be with you. But I am learning that although I made mistakes too, the problem wasn't me.

But still, I can't hate you. I feel as if I should, but I had decided from the moment you proclaimed the need to confess that no matter what hurt I suffered, you were already forgiven. I wanted to extend the grace to you that has been extended to me, a grace that far goes beyond anything I deserve, and deep into the heart of what has saved me from my suffering. I hope that you can see what I have tried to do, not be filled with hate, and not be s bitch, but love you despite the pain you have caused. I hope that you can understand that I have tried SO hard to be this way and that by no stretch of the imagination has it been easy.

I know that you hurt too, and I am not trying to delegitimize your pain, but it makes it hard for me to believe you when things were kept a secret, and motivations were never out of anything but selfish desire. I poured every inch of my soul and every piece of my heart into loving you and to a certain extent I am glad you broke it, because I would have never received that in return.

Learn from this. Don't repeat these mistakes. Don't hurt someone else the way you have hurt me. If I mean nothing else to you I hope that I was able to show you something about love, and I hope that someday you can love with every piece of your being, and with every part of your heart. Don't let this be a waste, and I will try not to let it become that either. We owe it to each other to learn, to be challenged by this, to be forgiven and to become more like Christ through this situation. As Christ continues to love us, so I will continue to love you.

I Can't Sleep...

I can't sleep and I am not sure I have much to say really. It's one of those things where tons of things are going on in your head, but none of them can really be explained or put into words. I need a new job so I am making a list in my head. I had a hard conversation, so I am processing all of that. I have lots of homework that never seems to let up, I haven't hung out with many of my friends, which bums me out. I want to go somewhere with music, but I feel like I have neither the time nor the money to pursue it. I want to keep volunteering with youth group and keeping relationships with those kids but it is hard to balance that with everything else. I spend 15 hours a week in class, 25 at work (at least that is what it should be until recent developments) about 20, if not more, hours doing homework, 6 volunteering at various places and hopefully at least 49 hours sleeping (7 hours a night) that pretty much leaves me with Friday nights and Saturdays to squeeze in music and some kind of recharge and social life, along with some extra homework that needs to get done. I don't mind a busy life except that it makes me so unflexible...which I don't like. I'm tired...nothing is easy anymore, and I feel like at this point nothing is going to et easy. I feel like I am working so hard and trying to do everything right and well and there is no reward. I might get ok grades, but grades aren't everything. I like my job and people at me job like me, but that doesn't mean I can keep that job when they are unwilling to work with my hours, I like having friends, but that doesn't mean I have time to hang out with them...which sucks. I love music, but i don't really have time for that either. What am I supposed to do...I have time right now, but I SHOULD be doing something else. Always, should be doing something else. Now I get to spend my time still doing all of those things...and I get to look for a new job...and I get to insecure about money until I get a new job, and...the list goes on. I keep hoping someday this will all make sense but what if it doesn't. God is sovereign but what if I never get to see how the pieces fit together...what if I never get to know why all these things that slap me in the face, How am I supposed to learn to be a better person through all of this...Does the chameleon ever get tired of changing? (Children's book!! I'm writing it!)

I'm tired now, I hope I can sleep.

Never Not Changing

I am sitting waiting for my mac and cheese to boil and I am trying not to boil over myself. I just finally get into a routine that is not easy but works out and now everything is different. Well not everything but the one thing that is keeping me afloat...my job.

So now I get to look for a new job...and I'm really excited about it. By the time my life is over, I am going to become a chameleon...I can adapt to any situation...pray for me, change is hard. My mac and cheese is done.

I Want to Write a Poem

I want to write a poem

about where my heart has gone.

It's buried in a building that I walk past everyday,

of lifeless in a hospital, a place I never made.

I want to write a poem about how pain it comes in waves,

and love it comes and goes away

though never far from where you chose to leave it.

I want to write a poem about purpose and forgiveness,

about hope and future promise,

about the day when the things I need are cherished gifts sent right to me.

I want to write a poem about excitement, about sorrow, about the life I'll lead tomorrow and the prayer I have that I will lead it right.

I want to write a poem about belief in things I can't yet see,

the reasons for the pain I feel and the lack of guarantees in life that make it what it is.

I want to write a poem that so eloquently speaks of love and life and pain and strife, of loss and grief, of sin and man's chief end. I want to be creative, but this is all I've got. I want to be amazing but perhaps it's not my lot. I want to live for you and to understand your plan,

and not be left uneven and alone upon this sinking sand.

And so I'll write a poem, someday down the road. Perhaps someone will read it, perhaps I'll never know.

Reiterations at a Summer's End

I don't know how wordy I feel like being tonight, although it always seems to be more then I think it will be. However I thought I would give the overarching theme for the summer and make it apparent to, if no one else, at least to myself.

If one read through all the posts over the summer, one would find a variety of emotions and I am sure this is all just rehash, but I am going to say it all anyway.

I lost this summer. I lost a lot. I lost my dream. I lost my pride. I lost my love. I lost my friends. I lost myself. I wallowed in a broken heart, a broken spirit and a broken vision of all the things I thought I had going for myself; All the things I thought I wanted.

I broke down and cried in church this week. Every song talked about how Christ died for us, in humility and brokenness he gave up himself for me. I felt so broken and without anything to rely on. I had lost everything that I had placed worth in, everything that had meant something to me was gone. Even now, I feel tears well up because I am so lost in this world and in the goal and plan for my life. What do I do now?

I spent this summer so alone and with little encouragement. I have to laugh a little because now that everyone is returning to school the question of the day is, "How was your summer?" and for the most part I don't sugar coat it. "It was pretty horrible actually but at least it is over now." is usually my response.

I have always thought that God has given me a glimpse of lesson learning. I am somewhat able to recognize the lesson as it is being learned instead of being bitter and resentful and seeing the lesson after the events has passed. I am not trying to assert my pride in this matter, but over the summer I was able to see things that God was teaching me, many things I learned but mostly, I recognize now that I had to be lost and alone to know that the only thing I can rely on is God. Nothing else is lasting, nothing else is permanent, nothing else is purely good, or purely motivated by love. However the God that sees all things, knows my heart and knows me and I can truly depend on the love and the grace he gives.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 31-39