Sometimes I need to talk about lessons learned. Most of the time, it helps to talk to real people so I can have some feedback, but sometimes it feels good to just write it out, and in this case, I just need to write it out. However, I figure sharing it isn't a bad idea, maybe you will teach me something, or maybe my lessons can help you. I think it is important to be vulnerable with one another, honest in our weakest moments, and here is one of mine.
"This year's been crazy. I've had ups and downs, been turned a round a time or two.
But I keep believing, that this road I'm on, the one I've crawled, is tried and true.
Time has taught me, words are spoken, hearts get broken and out plans change.
But love has not forgot me, in the wonder of the thunder, some things remain the same."
These are some lyrics to a new song I am writing but can't seem to get too much further than this. But anyone who knows anything about the last year of my life might understand some of these words, or the irony in some of the chosen vocabulary. AS A COMPLETE SIDENOTE...I think when God was establishing how the English language and probably all languages for that matter, he thought to give the option to juxtapose words that are opposite, but still rhyme! :) Add that to my list of simple pleasures. Maybe I will write that note next ;)
Anyway I digress. Patience is what I want to talk about. Meriam- Webster Dictionary says the word patience comes from the Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of PATI which means to suffer. Oh Latin! Definitions to follow, Patient means:
1: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3: not hasty or impetuous
4: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. able or willing to bear
It has been about 15 months of learning to be patient, and it isn't something you are, it is something you learn to become. I spent some of that time, being angry because I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it. I spent some of that time being confused about why I didn't deserve to have what I want. I spent some of that time crying when I thought what I wanted was lost forever. My mom taught me about prayer when I was young and throughout my life I have shared it with many a child at camp, but the simplicity of the statement continues to surprise me. Sometimes God says yes to our prayers, sometimes God says no, and sometimes God says Wait. I am acquiring the ablilty to bear trials calmly without complaint, to manifest forbearance under provocation or strain, I have learned to not be hasty, but to remain steadfast. But my favorite definition and the one that I most want to resemble, is the last. I want to be willing and able to bear whatever I encounter.
You know the word willing is interesting, I am not going to meriam-webster it, but to be willing to do something means that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you have to heart to face what you must, and to follow through no matter the cost. Soldiers are WILLING to go into battle, and possible loose their lives. Missionaries are willing to go into other nations giving up their earthly possessions and even be killed for their beliefs. Being willing is a CHOICE, Waiting is NOT a choice. To be willing to wait on God is a way to demonstrate that I am truly dependent on God and ultimately his will for my life. I can do nothing to further my life until I am given that direction. But for now, I must wait on God.
I don't know everything, obviously, and I am still frustrated. I think summer makes it harder because there is nothing to strive for. You work and hang out. There is satisfaction in hard work, but not fulfillment. I still feel like I am waiting for the rest of my life to begin. to know my purpose and plan. And very honestly at this point, nursing, sociology, neither? I give any and all preferences up, all I long for is real direction and less limbo. I guess what I want is contentment in whatever my life holds, and whatever vocation or occupation I am supposed to have. I know there is a plan, that is one thing I have never doubted. I am not worried or even scared, just anxious. But I am commanded to not be that either.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
But here is encouragement I find.
Hebrews 6:9-12 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
Psalm 27 (ALL) but 13-14
"I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."
That is all I can do. So I will be willing to wait, I will choose to learn patience, and the only way to learn patience is to endure struggle. So bring it on, because I do not bear these burdens alone, in fact, I don't need to bear them at all. There is my long winded vent, hope someone finds me interesting if nothing else. :) I guess I never talk about wine, but I think you get the gist.
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