Why is Nothing Easy?

Shit! This has been the worst day! I am angry and confused and not understanding of my life the way it is. I wrote a letter, it had a lot of swear words, it had a lot of frustration, I have a lot of frustration. I am listening to Coldplay's Fix You...an interesting juxtaposition if you who know me and think about it. "Tears streaming, down your face..." Sounds about right, actually the whole song fits me at this moment.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I try my best, I try to do what I think is right, and somehow I still fail. I throw my all into everything I put forth, and somehow, it's still not good enough. I ask for little and it still feels like to much becuase I never get what I ask for. Guess I should stop asking. I look at my life and my situation and I can see the little miracles, I can see that God is watching out for me in lots of ways, but why are all the things that fall apart, the things that will hurt the most? or why does it all pile up on the same day, or the same weekend? I don't get it. And I don't want to deal with it.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

I work with people who don't get second chances, people who have been in horrible accidents, who have been paralyzed, who can't talk, who can't move. They can't tell theur mother that they love them. Sometimes they can't tell their families anything, because their families have abadoned them after their accidents. They live alone in their heads, or maybe not even their heads, maybe they just live, with no joy, and only pain, physical, emotional. How lucky am I right? I get to talk to others, I know that others love me, I have friends and family that don't abandon me, I can experience joy, and laughter, and love and hope. My worst day would be a best day in their world. So why is it on days like today, all I want to do is curl up into a grave and never wake up? I am selfish.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I want I want I want. There are things I want. There are things I don't want. I want to get mad and I want everyone to know I'm mad. I want to scream and cry and yell and I want everyone to hear I hate feeling like this! I want to be loved and not be afraid of not being loved anymore! I want to have faith when my faith is tested...CONSTANTLY. I want to be unwavering, but I don't feel unwavering. I want my friend back, I want to talk to them about God the way we used to. I want their wise Godly comfort the way they used to give it. I want my best friend back. I want them to care about me, the way I feel, what I think, what I love, what I want. I want these things. What I don't want? I don't want SOME things to change. Why? They are amazing the way they are. I don't want to love when it can't be returned, and I don't want to be alone in a love I know is real. I don't want to wait forever, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be feel like this forever.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

So what am I supposed to do? Hell if I know, there is not much I can do. So I am going to cry about it, because I can do that. Damn you first verse of Kate Havnevik's Unlike Me.

I wish someone would try and fix me.