Too Many Thoughts to Write Coherantly

I am so confused as of late. There are too many things and so little going on at the same time. My life at this point is all internal and it is so tangled up that I don't know where to begin and where to end, or how to reconcile the opposite sides of the spectrum that I seem to find myself on. I think I will ask a series of question and make a series of statements that see where it takes me. Who know's if I will ever answer them, or if I will ever be able to answer them.

Coffee: The boy who cried wolf. Or maybe the boy who complained wolf so much that he can't even seem to figure out if it is real or not himself. What if he is really not ok? How do I help or find help for a boy who doesn't want it, or does but won't accept it, or will but will turn it around in a negative way anyway. It frustrates me that one can be so content being so unhappy. But who is to change their mind. Love him anyway. But I wish I could help him see true happiness. I wish he wasn't so bitter and angry and aggravated and lonely and opposed to all things that could help explain why he is so unhappy. What can I do? Nothing but love him and pray for him.

Purpose: or lack thereof. A summer of nothing special leads one to believe that there is nothing special. A year of confusion leads to a song that speaks of hope and confidence in the plans that I cannot even begin to pretend to know. Confusion leads to doubt and uncertainty and selfishness. I want it to be about me, but only because I don't know what it is about right now. A summer of nothing special leads me back to where it all begins, if nothing else I am to glorify God and enjoy him forever, guess I will start by getting to know him and not worrying about myself and all the things I want, But rather what God wants of me.

HEART: Shattered glass? White frosting over a burnt cake? Mary Poppins? Maybe a litte of all of them. I think it is right, but are my reasons selfish? I need this, I want that, he wasn't it, or maybe didn't want to be. Is it justified to think that there is something better, something more suited for me or for him? But what about the times that blessed my soul beyond compare? I am unable to forget and move on so easily. My time, my heart, my life was truly invested, and the bottom just fell out of the market. I lost something very valuable, someone very valuable. People underestimate the grief that comes with the end of a relationship. A part of you has died with that end. To a certain extent that person, the way you know them , the way you loved them, has died, just perhaps as their love for you has died. That hurts. That makes me sad and makes me want to cry and beg and wish that things were different. And I do sometimes, I wish that things were different, that things would have been different or turned out differently, but I don't wish for things to be the same as they were. Maybe we need to change and grow, to move on. Maybe we need to change and grow and realize things about each other and ourselves. Maybe we need to die to the desires of our heart, in order to find the desires of our heart for God. I'm not faking being ok, but I am not Not ok, But I am not completely ok. I don't know what to think and what to feel because I am torn in all directions. I am all over the board and the stagnancy of the summer isn't helping me with anything, except continuing the confusion of what the hell is going on in my life.

Plans: Live today, because tomorrow is out of my hands and yesterday isn't worth rehashing. Breathe today, becuase it is the only breath I have right now. Love today, and maybe someday I will be loved in the same way, the kind that never fades that never changes that never waxes and wanes with the frustration and the distance and the complexities of living. If today was my last day to live, today should be worth living.