Thoughts I Had Before I Knew You Were Reading This

I drove to where you were today, but you weren't there.

I stopped at where we would have stopped and thought of you.

I bought something you would have bought and I enjoyed it as much as you would have.

I went somewhere you were supposed to take me but we never made it to. It was great and I loved it, but it only reminded me of you.

But the things that reminded me of the days of old, reminded me too of all the things that were never good enough. The sentiment I tried to give was wrong, the way I tried to show you was uncomfortable, the way we used to get there was too hot, to soft and not enough for the time we were spending, or wasting to you. I remember how hard I tried, and I remember the times you tried, but the times you said I failed, or we failed go deeper than you can understand. You can believe what you want, but I didn't fail.

Damn it! The whole time I was away was supposed to be a relief, a break from all the loneliness and heartbreak, and though it was I was constantly surrounded by your context and the things that constantly remind me of us, things that no one else would care about. I drove past all the signs that reminded me of our demise and I couldn't take it any longer.

I wanted to be wanted once again, so I went to where I knew I could find attention. He would listen, she would want me, he would hug me, love me, be excited that I had come, without a warning, without a sound but just to be with people I love, and who I know love me in return. I can see the selfishness in this, I am aware, but I am not sorry. I needed them just as much as they wanted to see me and I returned to the whitewashed walls with a sense of sanity and worth. At least I matter to someone, even if it isn't the person I most want it to be.

These are thoughts I had before I knew that you were reading this, thoughts I had planned on writing before I knew that you were reading this, when I thought you might have actually cared, When I learned that it actually has nothing to do with me. Guess in the big picture nothing has changed.