Doors and Chapters

It feels like a lot of the "big" decisions in my life have always been so anticlimactic. The decision of where I would go to college had a beautiful ending because of the generosity of others, but it came only after I had prepared myself for not going to where I wanted to go. And now, another "big" decision in my life come and goes so passively. I was waiting for the call and the picture perfect ending to a journey that was long and perilous and hard. I wanted it to work out so nice and neatly in order to justify the pain it took to get there. But if this were a movie, the dream the main character holds dies. It wasn't even a climactic crash, it was a dream that fizzled out. How boring and frustrating! But at the same time, I am only looking at one chapter. Maybe in that movie, this is just one more conflict that defines the character, and when the story is actually finished it will all make sense.

Ok, I will stop being vague. My dream for the last 15 years to be a nurse, has run it's course. I will not be a nurse, at least not at this stage in my life. I AM sad. However I feel like I have this coping mechanism that I apply to a lot of my life. After the amount of rejection I have received over the last two years, I prepare myself for things to fail, so that when they do, it doesn't break my heart as much. I have had to employ that concept this year alone, more times than I am willing to count. I don't want these experiences to cause me to become bitter and angry at God, or the system or whoever, but I don't want to become numb to having feelings, even if they are hurt feelings. But I also don't want to feel like everything I do fails, and prepare for everything I do to fail.

Let me clarify something real quick. I use this blog to vent about all of my angsty things that I don't really want to spout off to a real person. All lot of the time it probably comes off like I am moody and overly emotional and whiny, or full of doubt and fear and a horribly sad outlook on life. Maybe most of those things are true and the only way I can get them out is to write them down, but all things considered, I am positive about my future. I feel fairly useless and confused and down right now, but I know that there is a plan and that somehow I will do what God wants me to do when God wants me to do it. I do trust, and I do have faith and I want to continue to persevere and I will, but don't judge me on only the words I write. there is a time for everything and this is my time to be broken, to be hurt, to be lost and confused, to be rejected by the things that I thought I wanted and to eventually be found by something greater and more powerful than I could have ever imagined for myself.

The door of nursing has closed and that chapter has ended. Perhaps there are teens out there that need me in Social Services. Perhaps the gfts I have been given are more suited to another profession, but my vocation remains the same. I will glorify God in all that I do and when the shit hits the fan, God has a plan. (haha, wow)