I feel like I have all these things to say. I look back on the week and I think of conversation I have had and people I have encoutered and things that I have learned or are learning and I really want to write them down but I can't seem to put the pieces together when I sit down to write. Maybe I should leave them in pieces...which is actually a relevant metaphor for what I feel.
Control:
A summer of loneliness teaches you a lot about you. We are usually so selfish when we have to care about others. But when we are forced to deal with ourselves daily and only ourselves, we get bored; I get bored. Being selfish is boring, I am sick of hanging out with myself and having no one to invest in, or surprise or love on. The ultimate alternative is to hang out with God. I have learned about priorities this summer and what should go where. God first, then others (I miss others) then me, then stuff (I don't like stuff it's dumb and meaningless). Me and Augustine are trying to hold fast to this ordered list.
However there is one giant thing I have learned by being by myself this summer. The situations and the people in my life right now are teaching me that I can do nothing of myself excet pray. I can't change anyone, I can't change any circumstance, I cannot do, I can only pray for others and fix my own relationship with God. A humbling but important lesson I think. I am not responsible for the lives of others. I am responsible to hold other Christians accountable but really, it is not any work I do that changes others, it is the work of Christ. I am supposed to live my life in a holy and pleasing way in the eyes of Our Father and to let that light shine before men, but all other things are under the sovereignty of God.
Church:
I finally made it to church. Only took me two months. Something that cracks me up s when I visit a church for the first time and what are they talking about...MONEY. Goodness that has happened to me on countless occasions. Be a good steward, God gives us the gift of money for a reason, use to his glory, blah blah, blah. Yes those are all valid points and they should be heeded, but what is it about every first church visit being about that. I get really sick of hearing it and feel like there are more important things that the body of Christ either needs to be admonished about or encouraged in. Spiritually feed me, don't talk to me about materialistic things. HOWEVER, the church I visited last week actually did a suprisingly good job and more so talked about the provisions of the father, not the possesion of the thing. I was not impressed necessarily but pleasantly surprised to hear something different than the usual moneytalk. Do not worry, pray. Our treasures are secure in heaven no matter what happens here on earth. Be Christ on earth no matter what possesion you have, and don't become attached, because when all is lost you don't want to find that stuff is where you put your worth and value.
Changing Friendship:
What do you do when a friendship changes? Or more specifically when one person in the friendship changes and the other does not? The things that used to be common ground are no longer common, and the things that I used to be able to share, the things that maybe I only shared with that person, I can't tell anymore. We are different now and I hate that. When we are together again, I am the one who will suffer the most, I have to figure out the redefinition of our friendship even though it is not me who has changed. My love will not change and my friendship will not change, but how do I relate to a person that I have already had a different kind of relationship with? Do I censor myself? Or do I remain the same and make them adjust? I don't want to lose my best friend and there is nothing I can do to change their mind but I will miss the person that I knew, and in exchange be compelled to get to know and continue to love this new person they have become. It again comes back to the I can do nothing but control my own attitude and let God take care of the rest.
What of These Broken Hearts:
My life is in pieces, and not in an emotional, I am going to die and cry every day because I hate my life kind of way. It's more like puzzle pieces. Nursing school is in limbo, I am kind of excited about sociology, as of late people seem to be all about my music, I am not in a relationship and have some freedom to go wherever and do whatever, I have a job that could take me anywhere, I have passion for certain things and I am just not sure where to invest it. I am working on my passion for Christ and with that I will be able to do anything and be sure that God is in it. I want to be relational. I want to be with people and love people and inspire people and appreciate all people for their strengths and the beauty that lies inside. I have all these different pieces of my life and I m not sure hw they fit together yet...the future right now, has NO plan, it is scary, but for sure whatever happens is gonna be interesting.
I will keep my eyes on Christ, for in Him I can understand and handle all things that come my way. May the sovereignty of God reign in me and in my life.
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