Surprise, Surprise!

Any first thing I am inclined to say won't sound anything less than ULTRA cheesy, but here it is.

I have a crush on someone.

After living for so long in the world of "Love will never exist for me again", I didn't see this one coming. This isn't love. This isn't anything, it's not even practical, or likely. But even so, it feels good. To feel the hint of a spark is almost more exciting than the fire. It is hope.

Funnily enough, he caught my eye the first time I saw him. (ULTRA cheesy) However I was an outsider, so I chose to stay outside, until yesterday. I decided to make an effort. Eventually we had a conversation, it was personal, encouraging, there was eye contact, and sincerity. Then it was time to leave, and he was leaving in the morning, for 6 weeks. I said good-bye, he gave me a hug, and a couple chatting minutes later, he gave me another hug.

When I left the snow was beautiful. I wasn't cold, or lonely. Just...pleasantly surprised.

Commitments in Perspective

You haven't given me a reason, to make me want to stay.

You haven't shown appreciation to make me feel OK.

You haven't given me the time of day,

You haven't ever gone out of your way,

to make me feel that I belong right here with you,

Well I've got bigger dreams,

And better things to do.

Beautiful Colors Sometimes Fade

Dearest Friend,

It's been a really long time since we became friends. We surprised everyone when things came up that logically said "our friendship shouldn't last." And now, insignificant things have driven us apart, so insignificant that I can't even find a word that would sum it up.

So I wrote to you to present the distance we have known, but refused to confront. I hope you choose to surmount this barrier with me, just as we have surmounted all the others.

I hope you also know that I value you immensely. And if we do part ways, I will grieve the loss of your friendship. You have been a beautiful color in my life and a never-ending source of laughter. We shared as many happy memories as we did tears. Our hearts were knit together and I hope that you can understand how much you have meant to me.

With unending love,

Your Friend

Show Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hasHEA83BxE

Playing in an empty room is one of my favorite things to do.

I sat in an empty hall with the piano and sang this song. The acoustics were beautiful. The lyrics moved me. I felt beautiful when I was singing it. I fell in love with music all over again. I love this song. Singing this song made me want to be a musician, something I have been wanting to pursue for awhile now. I would LOVE to be a "famous" musician. I would love to speak to people through my music, to relate to others and the human experience, to be a shining light to a darkened world.

It seems that I may also be presented with another opportunity, a chance to serve God in a more prevalent and blatantly Christian role, indeed a leadership role. I would have the chance to show minister the love of Jesus to kids, to minister to the youth of our nation about the most important thing in the world. The Most Important Thing. And it's not music.

I am afraid that I will choose wrongly, not that the choice itself will be wrong but that the motivation for the choice will be wrong.

"OK God, I will serve you in this time (in hopes that when this is over I get to be a musician)"

or

"OK God, I think I am gonna pass on the whole ministry thing, because I WANT the music and the road to success more."

I do believe that whatever choice I make, God will work through it, as long as the motivation is right and pure. My prayer is that I am led to do what is called of me, not led to do what I want to do.

A friend of mine is looking for the purpose in the efforts of her life on earth. she said today, "There has to be that one thing in your life, that you would give up everything else for." It was in the words of my lost friend that I realized, as much as I want that to be music, that would be my idol, my replacement for God. God becomes second in my life when everything I am giving up is in pursuit of a career in music.

"But not before you show me how to die" is a line in the song. Do I need to die to my pride, my wants and desires. Believe it or not I have died this death a number of time. It hurts each time it is ripped away, maybe this time I should relinquish it before I have to suffer the utter depths of loss. Maybe if I give it up to God now, he will work through it... and maybe even give it back at some point. But I have to be willing to never get it back if I give it up. I have to be willing to fully and completely give the reins over to God and believe that the path he has set me on will be "perfect and complete" (James 1) Nothing has been decided yet.

"Set me like a star before the morning

Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep.

And I'll illuminate the path you've laid before me,

But for now just let me be."

I mean after all...playing in an empty room is one of my favorite things to do.

Bursting the Lone Bubble

There are certain times in your life when your bubble bursts. It's not just finding out your are wrong when you thought you were right, or not getting something you want or expected to get, but more, it is losing something you know is important; a point of view, an ideal, or in my case a role model.

...

I started writing this a month ago. I never finished it and although it isn't really what I want to vent about now, it does still apply, but this time to a different role model.

Now I am not so naive to think that all role models are perfect. But once you realize the imperfections of the person you placed on a pedestal, it is hard to reshape that image with having to destroy it all together and rebuild a new one. This happens in all kinds of ways, it could be a situation or event that causes the change in ones perspective of that person, they fall and so too your image of what they were falls. Or the recognition of the imperfection of that person already exists, but then an unexpected action causes a pain that you would have never hoped would come from that person. Or maybe you look back on the past, on something that was ideal when you were in it, and then when you are hurt by it, you look back to find why it didn't work, why it was bad and why you don't want it anymore. For whatever reason it is, broken glass can never be restored to what it once was, it will always have shards missing, that are key to the integrity of the whole.

There are experiences like this that I have faced in the past and could even say I am currently experiencing. I learned through a relationship not to speak up, so that it would never be my fault that the glass was shattered, something I assumed I would never be able to fix. Or maybe I could not speak about it because it wasn't me...it wasn't my problem I was just aware of it but had no active part in it. It was private, not to be shared. After one experience where I have been injured to the point of deep emotional and internal sorrow and pain, I didn't speak because I had no one to speak to. My best friends were far away, my roomates were gone, my friends were minimal because of my schedule. I was forced to DEAL and process with no one but God and this blog. Truly the reason for the origins of this blog were indeed because I felt I had no one to talk to.

So here I am again.

A thought crossed my mind the other day. If something completely tragic happened to me and I needed someone to talk to, who would I call? I have friends, I have really good friends, I have some really great friends. But who would I WANT to talk to, whose shoulder would I choose to cry on, who would I want to be there with me, that I was completely comfortable with, who would listen, understand, relate to me and allow me to be whatever mess I am in that moment? No one came to mind. (Yes Andrew D. I would call you and mom I would call you)

But there is no one that completely fits that description and is in a relative proximity to me that I would desperately want to be there for me. I have learned these thing because of how I have dealt with experiences in the past. I don't speak because I am the vulnerable one. I love being that person, that shoulder, that comfort for others, but when the tables are turned, I am afraid, I am uncomfortable, I am wary that I will be judged, or the things I share will reflect on me and the people that I am sharing about. I have learned that "I can do it myself" when indeed I know I can't and more than that...I don't want to.

I don't know how to move towards a change in that area of my life. I want to talk and have those friendships that are so open nothing I say will ever affect the friendship or change it. Indeed I have those relationships but I am the problem in them because I share my heart but I never BARE my heart.

In this way I am the one trapped in the bubble, and perhaps I am the one who needs to be burst.

Why Bother?

I don't understand why you had to tell me you listened. Or why you had to tell me why you were listening or how you had convinced yourself to listen. This might sound selfish, but no matter how much something is about me it always, somehow, becomes about you. If you had to say anything at all, why didn't you just say congratulations? And why end your little emotional spill with how you think I should feel about the situation? I don't think either of us has any business telling the other person 1) how they think and perceive certain events, or 2) how the other person should perceive the same events. I was quite enjoying my baggage free months, or at least my talking baggage free months.

Stop backtracking. You are moving on, great, keep moving on, don't tell me when you think of me, or listen to me or most of all WHY you do it. You cut the final stings you don't get to re-tie them temporarily whenever it is convenient for you. "I want to let this story go, so please, leave me alone." Start thinking about someone else for a change, like how what you say and do affects other people, like me, or her.

Freedom

The page has turned. I was wondering when it would. I guess that means I am free from all of this. Free to let the scars heal, free to write happy songs. Good. It was about time.

Haha, I am not going to make this one an ominous rant about the deeply buried, soaking wet, heavy emotions of things I need to say. I don't really have much to say. Good luck and may it be better than before. For me too.

I am ready to turn the page myself, but I can't really control all the things the go into that. Maybe I should write a non-angsty song about patience, well I did that already. Gosh life is funny, and not always in the "haha" way. I am looking forward to this new freedom, free to dance, free to sing, free to go and do and be all that I am and all that God has made me to be, learning from the past but looking to the future. May each step be closer to God, further from pain, stronger than before and ready for the next. This is my freedom, I am glad to be here.

The End

It's tough watching things come to an end. The end of college, the end of a stage of life, the end of a friendship. Unfortunately, things in this life end all the time. But when they end, it is always true that they should be let go? Is there a time to hold onto something and not let it quite be over? What about when the merry go round has spun so many times around that you have to realize, you are not actually going anywhere, and you need to get off? What if you don't want to get off?

I have watched a lot of things end this year. I have seen the downward spirals and the bleeding hearts, the fair-weathered "we'll talk soon's" and the stormy weathered "what have we to talk about anymore". So when do we fight against the current and save what we have? And when do we realize, that time has come and now it is gone?

Change in my life has been a fairly regular thing. Nothing I feel has been simple and easy, and I don't expect that it will ever be that way. But I have come to expect that I do not know what to expect from this life and the people in it. These questions always lead me to the ultimate question that I can only do my very best to answer, without really ever knowing the answer. What am I to do about it? Whether I let you, or it, or the past, or whatever go, or whether I choose to keep you or it etc, in my life, I choose to be there when I am needed, I choose to love you even if you cannot love me in the same way, I choose to "talk to you soon" whether you care to hear from me or not and I choose to talk to you, even though I know we have very little to talk about. I will hold on to only the part that I care about and not so much worry about the effect the reaction has on me, that part I choose to let go. I will do what I can to benefit you, I will choose to be the person I am, whether you care about me or not. And I will do the best that I can to believe that through the actions and the choices I make, maybe somewhere, maybe someday, I will make a difference to someone, and if for no other reason, I will do it to praise my God. The End.

Finally Graduating!! Well Kind of...

Hello Friends and Family!

I suppose you have all received my graduation announcement and are looking me up to see if such a thing could possibly be true. Chelsea graduating? Indeed I am graduating, well kind of. Haha! So here is the actual deal as well as other life events that have and are occurring.

I am walking this May and "graduating" ceremonially. However I have one more semester left and will officially be done in December. After a couple of tumultuous years and lots of ups and downs, I changed my major from Nursing to Sociology. I did this, mind you, at the beginning of this year, my senior year! Talk about cramming it all in! I have put forth my best efforts to pack an entire major into a year and successfully did so, except for my practicum and one other sociology class. I also have one required class that is not in my major to complete. So this next semester will be three-quarter time and then FINITO! I am very excited to be out of school soon but with that comes the planning of the rest of my life, and with that, some fear and anxiety.

I have been working very hard on music and this summer, along with holding a job, I will be continuing to work on music. I recently put out a self-titled, self-produced (well a friend produced it, so we can call it "home"produced) CD with 11 of my original songs on it. It has been very exciting and I have sold about 100 with a few being given away here and there. My plan is to play around town, send off some demos, do some advertising, I have a friend who is designing shirts for me (she is awesome) etc. So lots of music this summer I hope. If anyone wants a CD ($12) you can email dassochels@gmail.com or call me :D

Um what else. Single. Summer work will be working as a phone interviewer for a research company so don't hang up on those, answer surveys! They help us! :D Um also, doing some nurses aide work, hopefully not at the nursing home I currently work at, they are awful...

Anyway, prayer requests?

Better job....better hours.

Music stuff if God wants that to go well (I kinda do) :D

Lots of weddings to go to this summer, safe travel.

That's all I can think of right now. If perchance you choose to peruse through the rest of my blog, please be aware that this is my outlet to process things in my life. Not all of it is happy, actually very close to none of it is. So be kind... and please rewind :D

I Will Wallow Today So I Can Pick Myself Up Tomorrow

I should be asleep, and for once I probably could be. I am exhausted, but because I have promised that tomorrow will not be spent drowning in my sorrow, I have to get it out today.

Once again I face a rejection, minimal in value but the sting hurts all the same. I wanted a job, it was going to be convenient, it was going to be a blessing, it was going to be exactly what I needed for the summer. But I didn't get it. I barely got told that I didn't get it. I got rejected.

Yesterday I was planning on playing my music this summer, having a day job, living with 3 roomates, graduating in December, and touring next summer with a band. Today, no day job, which potentially leads to no music, 2 roomates and no tour with the band. If I don't graduate in december I am going to be PISSED. Haha.

I guess I feel like a failure. Everything I seem to have put my mind to has failed, whether it is a long lived dream, a long loved relationship, a convenient shoe in job, a leadership position, etc etc. The only things I have succeeded in getting are a series of dead end jobs, wohoo. What is it about me that isn't good enough for something better than this? Why aren't I ever the chosen one? Why doesn't anyone want me and think I could do a good job? One time I got picked for something that could have been awesome, and that time I backed out because I didn't think I would. I failed even when given the opportunity. So now I am afraid. I am afraid of never being good enough. I seem to be a Jack of all trades and master of none. I can do some stuff pretty good but there is nothing I am great at. What am I supposed to do if I can never succeed? How will I ever succeed, if I never believe I will? How will I ever believe I will, if I never do? It's a vicious cycle. I choose not to live in fear and I choose not to be a defeatest, but I am more discouraged than hopeful.

Where do I turn when all the doors I knock on are locked? How do I figure out what God wants me to do if all the options I have in front of me are failing? What road do I not see and why do I keep missing it? I have tried SO hard to let God lead me where he desires me to be, but more often than not I feel I am being led down a dead end; or I am the densest person on earth; or I just don't I understand. I feel like my prayers have become futile. Everything I seem to pour my heart into, everything I seem to want or seem to think God would allow me to have, I don't get. What am I supposed to want? And why now should I have any expectation that I will ever get anything that I want? WHAT AM I MISSING?

What if I never see the big picture? What if I never understand why I am being tested, or why I am suffering, or why I seem to suck at life? What if there is purpose in my life and I never see it? What then?

I know God has a plan and I will never doubt that. I guess I just wish for once, I would see it plainly, and it would be easy. Not exactly what I signed up for when I decided to follow Christ. Tomorrow is a new day. I will start it fresh.

From Strangers to Friends and Vice Versa

Thanks for your patience.

Friendships are funny, and not really in the haha way, but in the strange and confusing way. The ones you think should last, don't, the ones that should no longer exist have been able to stand through the tests of fire, the ones you think and hope are over, pop their scary head out of the ground and the ones you think should have never started, bring a renewed sense of joy to life. It's funny (again not haha) when they all happen at once, or when you can see them all happening around you. I think that's where I am right now.

Deepest Wells But Shallow "Hi's":

I ran into a friend the other day. I had been meaning to go visit this friend for awhile but had just never gotten around to it. I remember the times this friend and I would hang out. It was always good, there was always a great conversation and jokes and meaningful interaction. This friends heart ran deep and I so enjoyed the time we spent together. When i saw this friend, I said his name, he said mine, I asked him a question, and his attention was already on the next thing, another person. I thought about stopping and waiting for a reply but I quickly realized that I would look stupid if I did, because I would not get a reply. It hit me as I took a glance backwards "we're not really friends anymore. damn." Perhaps it is partly my fault, I take responsibility, but it sucks that the well will never flow as deep as it did with this friend. I will miss that.

When You Least Expect It:

I received a call the other day. I received a call from someone I had asked to stay out of my life. It is almost a year since I asked him that. I didn't answer. Why was he calling? Is this the beginning of the cycle I had finally escaped, is this the charming enticement back into my life? I am not going to be that girl, I know that girl; the one who has to figure things out the hard way over and over and over and over, until she is exhausted, hurt and used to a point of lifelessness. I will not be that girl. So what am I to do? Do i open the lines of communication I have kept closed for almost a year, with the hope that I can tell when he is using it? Do I forgive him and maybe see if he wants another go at a friendship? I have forgiven him a lot over the last couple years, it hasn't been 7 times 70 but we must be getting close. Or is it better to save myself the drama and the frustration os having to deal with that mess all over again? I don't know what to do?

Lost In The Middle Ground:

You know how we are different things for different people? I am not saying we change depending on who we are around, but we always have a different relationship with whoever we are with, and we fill a specific void in that persons life. I like that feeling. I like being what that person needs, but what if what I am for one person, is in conflict with what another person in my life needs? This isn't really going to make sense and I am not going to explain it, but it is hard to help the hurt, when helping one, hurts another, when i am caught inbetween two people thata are hurting.

I am amazed however that one of these and I are as good a friends as we are. We have been in some of the most trying situations that two friends could be in and come out the other side, not allowing them to break our friendship, but to knit us closer together. I do hope that this situation is one of those, and that it does not break us, I don't think I can let that happen and I surely don't want it to.

An Unlikely Match:

The jock and the indie kid unite. It's a beautiful thing to see. One would think that this could never happen, but I love that it has. It almost proves to me that anything is possible and differences don't equate to hatred or jealousy, but that whatever stereotype you are, or have even placed on yourself, you can embrace and yet overcome for the sake of friendship.

It is hard to think about things changing. They always will and unfortunately not always for the better. Sometimes we get the short end of the stick. Sometimes we get hurt. Sometimes we realize something about ourselves and through it WE change. Perhaps it is through our friendships that we learn about ourselves, about who we are and who we want to be. Perhaps friendships teach us that even if we fail, even if friends leave or fade away, that for a moment there was value and purpose, that we learned something about life, that we gained something far beyond what we can pretend to know and that hopefully at some point, made perhaps the smallest impact on that person, who they are, and who they choose to become.

I hope that I have been a friend worth having.

Holding Space

I have something in the works, but this is a space filler, a teaser, something I like.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

E.E. Cummings

The Forgiveness of a Stranger

I am angry at a man I've never met. I have never seen his face, I have never heard his voice, I have never shaken his hand or looked him in the eyes. I know only his name and what he has done. I am furious with this man! I am heartbroken by this man. I don't think I have ever held more anger and bitterness for anyone than I do for this man right now, and in every moment that I think of him and what he has done. One would think that it is easiest to forgive a sin by someone who they have never met. But I am struggling to forgive this stranger.

I am angry because of what he has done. He has intentionally hurt others but more than that he has hurt someone that I love. The person I love has forgiven him. Why can't I?The person I loved has moved on from the hurt. Why can't I? For some reason I am able to forgive wrongs that have been done to me, no matter how much I have been hurt and scarred I have been willing and have desired to let it go. Why does my heart ache for this man and the sin and pain he has caused? Even a decade after its occurrence, before I ever knew about it, before I ever knew the person I love. It moves me and affects me so deeply that I being to cry when I think about it, every time.

I will never meet this man. I don't want to. I don't want to face him and have to think about the things he has done. I don't want to forgive him for hurting others. I want it all to go away. I will forgive the guy who cut me off this morning, I will forgive the man who broke my heart but I don't know if I can forgive the man who hurt the person I love. What am I to do in this present condition?

"Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." Do I have to forgive those who have sinned against others?

Question: What is Love?

I know what love is. Most people would now say, "or at least I thought I did." But I know what love is. Love is unconditional despite great hurt and hardship, love is sacrifice for the good of no oneself but the person they love. Love is listening when someone needs to talk and talking when someone needs to hear. Love is dealing with the monotony, and overcoming the struggle, and saying nothing, but communicating to that person that you love that you are not going anywhere, ever. I know what love is because I was in love.

So when do I know that I am not in love anymore? What if I don't know how to not be in love? When do I fully recognize that I don't love someone anymore, is it when they decide to not love me? Is is when they don't want to be with me anymore? Is it when I am hurt by them? If these are things that should make me believe I am not in love anymore, then why do still feel like I am still in love. Or maybe I am not, but how do I recognize the difference?

People have told me that you never truly let go of your first love, and others say that you never really get over the first love, until you throw yourself into another relationship that leads to love. Maybe I have convinced myself I am not in love anymore. But what if I am never ready to be in another relationship? What if I feel like I am incapable to loving anyone else? That's not fair. That's not fair to me or anyone that wants to love me. Why and how can I still be in love with someone who I know I can't be with, who I know I shouldn't be with, but for some reason is the only person I want to be with?

Do we really choose who we love? Or is it really that we can't fight who we love? If it is the first one, then we should be able to choose who we don't love anymore. But if it is the second, then what am i supposed to do? Why would God allow us to love someone we know we cannot be with? Why would God give us a hope and a dream that would never be filled? Are we supposed to find that nothing in this world satisfies but Christ? Done. I know that. I have peace that God gives and God takes away but I have little peace for the things he has removed and little contentment and understanding of why I still feel the way I do.

There are boys out there that want me. I have never been that girl that every boy wanted, that was never me. So why now? And why now that everyone wants me, am I unable to return any feeling and depth? If I had to pick anyone to be with, the first one that I would choose would be the one I chose to lose, and who chose to lose me. I don't want to get married someday and have to say "I do love this man, but I will always love the man I lost more." I don't want to have to split me love or my heart between anyone. So do I wait to heal? Will I know when the right one comes along? Will I know when I have moved on out of love? Do I try with someone else even if I know that i haven't moved on? What is the right thing to do? I have tried so hard to do the right thing but I don't know how to reconcile how I feel with what I know, and what I should do. I am pretty sure life never gets any less confusing, but I hope someday I will know what has changed inside of me and why.

Running in Quicksand

I have a headache right now and I don't feel all that great so I apologize for whatever words fly out that are uncalled for. I have been trying REALLY hard to get my album done for Friday. I have worked on it for the last two weeks straight and have poured all of my time, my heart, my soul and my effort into meeting this deadline. I am on the home stretch but in order for me to finish I need the assistance of some friends and right now, they are not cooperating, or even communicating with me and it is very frustrating. I can't do the next thing until this part is finished. I haven't exhausted myself for the last two weeks so that on Friday I have nothing to show for myself. I have been running toward the goal and made a lot of progress so far and now I am trying to run but getting nowhere. How do I get there without the help of others? Especially now when I really need it.

Guess that's really all I have to say. Thought it would be more, but not so much.

It Was All a Lie

I'm not mad, or ever really all that sad about the stuff you talked to me about. I am not really sure of how I am supposed to feel. I am already over what we had, or at least what I was under the impression we had. But now with new information, the impression was wrong which means it was all a lie.

I have a right to be mad. I have a right to feel hurt. I have a legitimate reason to feel unloved, pretty much because you told me you're heart was never really in it. I have a right to not want to have anything to do with you, but for some reason I am unable to employ those rights. Not because I am weak, or because I need you, I don't. Although it sounds harsh it is looking like I am better off without you and the sham of a relationship we once called ours, was never healthy and was never genuine so there must be something much better out there for me.

I took everything upon myself this summer. I was sorry I wasn't good enough for you, I couldn't give you what you needed, I wasn't the one, I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to be with you. But I am learning that although I made mistakes too, the problem wasn't me.

But still, I can't hate you. I feel as if I should, but I had decided from the moment you proclaimed the need to confess that no matter what hurt I suffered, you were already forgiven. I wanted to extend the grace to you that has been extended to me, a grace that far goes beyond anything I deserve, and deep into the heart of what has saved me from my suffering. I hope that you can see what I have tried to do, not be filled with hate, and not be s bitch, but love you despite the pain you have caused. I hope that you can understand that I have tried SO hard to be this way and that by no stretch of the imagination has it been easy.

I know that you hurt too, and I am not trying to delegitimize your pain, but it makes it hard for me to believe you when things were kept a secret, and motivations were never out of anything but selfish desire. I poured every inch of my soul and every piece of my heart into loving you and to a certain extent I am glad you broke it, because I would have never received that in return.

Learn from this. Don't repeat these mistakes. Don't hurt someone else the way you have hurt me. If I mean nothing else to you I hope that I was able to show you something about love, and I hope that someday you can love with every piece of your being, and with every part of your heart. Don't let this be a waste, and I will try not to let it become that either. We owe it to each other to learn, to be challenged by this, to be forgiven and to become more like Christ through this situation. As Christ continues to love us, so I will continue to love you.

I Can't Sleep...

I can't sleep and I am not sure I have much to say really. It's one of those things where tons of things are going on in your head, but none of them can really be explained or put into words. I need a new job so I am making a list in my head. I had a hard conversation, so I am processing all of that. I have lots of homework that never seems to let up, I haven't hung out with many of my friends, which bums me out. I want to go somewhere with music, but I feel like I have neither the time nor the money to pursue it. I want to keep volunteering with youth group and keeping relationships with those kids but it is hard to balance that with everything else. I spend 15 hours a week in class, 25 at work (at least that is what it should be until recent developments) about 20, if not more, hours doing homework, 6 volunteering at various places and hopefully at least 49 hours sleeping (7 hours a night) that pretty much leaves me with Friday nights and Saturdays to squeeze in music and some kind of recharge and social life, along with some extra homework that needs to get done. I don't mind a busy life except that it makes me so unflexible...which I don't like. I'm tired...nothing is easy anymore, and I feel like at this point nothing is going to et easy. I feel like I am working so hard and trying to do everything right and well and there is no reward. I might get ok grades, but grades aren't everything. I like my job and people at me job like me, but that doesn't mean I can keep that job when they are unwilling to work with my hours, I like having friends, but that doesn't mean I have time to hang out with them...which sucks. I love music, but i don't really have time for that either. What am I supposed to do...I have time right now, but I SHOULD be doing something else. Always, should be doing something else. Now I get to spend my time still doing all of those things...and I get to look for a new job...and I get to insecure about money until I get a new job, and...the list goes on. I keep hoping someday this will all make sense but what if it doesn't. God is sovereign but what if I never get to see how the pieces fit together...what if I never get to know why all these things that slap me in the face, How am I supposed to learn to be a better person through all of this...Does the chameleon ever get tired of changing? (Children's book!! I'm writing it!)

I'm tired now, I hope I can sleep.

Never Not Changing

I am sitting waiting for my mac and cheese to boil and I am trying not to boil over myself. I just finally get into a routine that is not easy but works out and now everything is different. Well not everything but the one thing that is keeping me afloat...my job.

So now I get to look for a new job...and I'm really excited about it. By the time my life is over, I am going to become a chameleon...I can adapt to any situation...pray for me, change is hard. My mac and cheese is done.

I Want to Write a Poem

I want to write a poem

about where my heart has gone.

It's buried in a building that I walk past everyday,

of lifeless in a hospital, a place I never made.

I want to write a poem about how pain it comes in waves,

and love it comes and goes away

though never far from where you chose to leave it.

I want to write a poem about purpose and forgiveness,

about hope and future promise,

about the day when the things I need are cherished gifts sent right to me.

I want to write a poem about excitement, about sorrow, about the life I'll lead tomorrow and the prayer I have that I will lead it right.

I want to write a poem about belief in things I can't yet see,

the reasons for the pain I feel and the lack of guarantees in life that make it what it is.

I want to write a poem that so eloquently speaks of love and life and pain and strife, of loss and grief, of sin and man's chief end. I want to be creative, but this is all I've got. I want to be amazing but perhaps it's not my lot. I want to live for you and to understand your plan,

and not be left uneven and alone upon this sinking sand.

And so I'll write a poem, someday down the road. Perhaps someone will read it, perhaps I'll never know.

Reiterations at a Summer's End

I don't know how wordy I feel like being tonight, although it always seems to be more then I think it will be. However I thought I would give the overarching theme for the summer and make it apparent to, if no one else, at least to myself.

If one read through all the posts over the summer, one would find a variety of emotions and I am sure this is all just rehash, but I am going to say it all anyway.

I lost this summer. I lost a lot. I lost my dream. I lost my pride. I lost my love. I lost my friends. I lost myself. I wallowed in a broken heart, a broken spirit and a broken vision of all the things I thought I had going for myself; All the things I thought I wanted.

I broke down and cried in church this week. Every song talked about how Christ died for us, in humility and brokenness he gave up himself for me. I felt so broken and without anything to rely on. I had lost everything that I had placed worth in, everything that had meant something to me was gone. Even now, I feel tears well up because I am so lost in this world and in the goal and plan for my life. What do I do now?

I spent this summer so alone and with little encouragement. I have to laugh a little because now that everyone is returning to school the question of the day is, "How was your summer?" and for the most part I don't sugar coat it. "It was pretty horrible actually but at least it is over now." is usually my response.

I have always thought that God has given me a glimpse of lesson learning. I am somewhat able to recognize the lesson as it is being learned instead of being bitter and resentful and seeing the lesson after the events has passed. I am not trying to assert my pride in this matter, but over the summer I was able to see things that God was teaching me, many things I learned but mostly, I recognize now that I had to be lost and alone to know that the only thing I can rely on is God. Nothing else is lasting, nothing else is permanent, nothing else is purely good, or purely motivated by love. However the God that sees all things, knows my heart and knows me and I can truly depend on the love and the grace he gives.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 31-39