Doors and Chapters

It feels like a lot of the "big" decisions in my life have always been so anticlimactic. The decision of where I would go to college had a beautiful ending because of the generosity of others, but it came only after I had prepared myself for not going to where I wanted to go. And now, another "big" decision in my life come and goes so passively. I was waiting for the call and the picture perfect ending to a journey that was long and perilous and hard. I wanted it to work out so nice and neatly in order to justify the pain it took to get there. But if this were a movie, the dream the main character holds dies. It wasn't even a climactic crash, it was a dream that fizzled out. How boring and frustrating! But at the same time, I am only looking at one chapter. Maybe in that movie, this is just one more conflict that defines the character, and when the story is actually finished it will all make sense.

Ok, I will stop being vague. My dream for the last 15 years to be a nurse, has run it's course. I will not be a nurse, at least not at this stage in my life. I AM sad. However I feel like I have this coping mechanism that I apply to a lot of my life. After the amount of rejection I have received over the last two years, I prepare myself for things to fail, so that when they do, it doesn't break my heart as much. I have had to employ that concept this year alone, more times than I am willing to count. I don't want these experiences to cause me to become bitter and angry at God, or the system or whoever, but I don't want to become numb to having feelings, even if they are hurt feelings. But I also don't want to feel like everything I do fails, and prepare for everything I do to fail.

Let me clarify something real quick. I use this blog to vent about all of my angsty things that I don't really want to spout off to a real person. All lot of the time it probably comes off like I am moody and overly emotional and whiny, or full of doubt and fear and a horribly sad outlook on life. Maybe most of those things are true and the only way I can get them out is to write them down, but all things considered, I am positive about my future. I feel fairly useless and confused and down right now, but I know that there is a plan and that somehow I will do what God wants me to do when God wants me to do it. I do trust, and I do have faith and I want to continue to persevere and I will, but don't judge me on only the words I write. there is a time for everything and this is my time to be broken, to be hurt, to be lost and confused, to be rejected by the things that I thought I wanted and to eventually be found by something greater and more powerful than I could have ever imagined for myself.

The door of nursing has closed and that chapter has ended. Perhaps there are teens out there that need me in Social Services. Perhaps the gfts I have been given are more suited to another profession, but my vocation remains the same. I will glorify God in all that I do and when the shit hits the fan, God has a plan. (haha, wow)

A Little Perspective

Forgive my tirade. It comes in waves. (Future Song title, nobody steal it.) Guess I am back to the sane side of my bipolarism. However I went to work today and learned a little perspective on life and death. I expect in the industry I work that I will have to deal with death a lot, I work with the elderly and up until this point I have not had to deal with any resident that I am particularily close with dying. However today I learned something about one of my coworkers and my very heart broke for him.

His wife is literally living with the possibility of her imminent death. She had cancer, and somehow from the radiation treatment, she got leukemia. From there she developed a rare blood disease that clots her blood and at any moment if one of those clots were to break free and move to her brain or her heart or a vital organ, she would die instantly. My coworker was telling me that yesterday she picked out her casket and today she is going to look at burial plots. They both have two young children and they themselves are young.

I cannot imagine this. I mean sometimes I hate my life, but living literally as if every moment were to be your last, and having to prepare for your own death, is heartbreaking and horrible. I mean, really, any moment could be our last as well. We could instantly die at any moment too and it is scary to imagine what that looks like, but a medical diagnonsis always seems to put things in a little perspective. It makes me realize I have no room to complain about anything.

Please Pray for Lee and Rhonda.

Bipolar!

Fuck! I freaking spout off all these words about being content and happy and not worrying about anything and then all the same damn emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I might be slightly exaggerating but I freaking hate being fine one moment and not the next. I miss what I had, even though it wasn't right and it wasn't the best for me, I still miss it! Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives and getting what they want or at least moving in a single direction instead of being hung here with me on the gallows of perpetual change. I feel like I am on a free fall machine and the second I think it is all over, I drop and my stomach and my heart go with it. I hate rejection, I hate failure, I hate not being enough, and I know that I will never be enough, and that I won't have to be, but it leaves me with an empty feeling which sends me back into the vicious cycle of woe is me. shit, screw me, I freaking hate this.

I'm cold.

In Pieces But Not Shambles

I feel like I have all these things to say. I look back on the week and I think of conversation I have had and people I have encoutered and things that I have learned or are learning and I really want to write them down but I can't seem to put the pieces together when I sit down to write. Maybe I should leave them in pieces...which is actually a relevant metaphor for what I feel.

Control:

A summer of loneliness teaches you a lot about you. We are usually so selfish when we have to care about others. But when we are forced to deal with ourselves daily and only ourselves, we get bored; I get bored. Being selfish is boring, I am sick of hanging out with myself and having no one to invest in, or surprise or love on. The ultimate alternative is to hang out with God. I have learned about priorities this summer and what should go where. God first, then others (I miss others) then me, then stuff (I don't like stuff it's dumb and meaningless). Me and Augustine are trying to hold fast to this ordered list.

However there is one giant thing I have learned by being by myself this summer. The situations and the people in my life right now are teaching me that I can do nothing of myself excet pray. I can't change anyone, I can't change any circumstance, I cannot do, I can only pray for others and fix my own relationship with God. A humbling but important lesson I think. I am not responsible for the lives of others. I am responsible to hold other Christians accountable but really, it is not any work I do that changes others, it is the work of Christ. I am supposed to live my life in a holy and pleasing way in the eyes of Our Father and to let that light shine before men, but all other things are under the sovereignty of God.

Church:

I finally made it to church. Only took me two months. Something that cracks me up s when I visit a church for the first time and what are they talking about...MONEY. Goodness that has happened to me on countless occasions. Be a good steward, God gives us the gift of money for a reason, use to his glory, blah blah, blah. Yes those are all valid points and they should be heeded, but what is it about every first church visit being about that. I get really sick of hearing it and feel like there are more important things that the body of Christ either needs to be admonished about or encouraged in. Spiritually feed me, don't talk to me about materialistic things. HOWEVER, the church I visited last week actually did a suprisingly good job and more so talked about the provisions of the father, not the possesion of the thing. I was not impressed necessarily but pleasantly surprised to hear something different than the usual moneytalk. Do not worry, pray. Our treasures are secure in heaven no matter what happens here on earth. Be Christ on earth no matter what possesion you have, and don't become attached, because when all is lost you don't want to find that stuff is where you put your worth and value.

Changing Friendship:

What do you do when a friendship changes? Or more specifically when one person in the friendship changes and the other does not? The things that used to be common ground are no longer common, and the things that I used to be able to share, the things that maybe I only shared with that person, I can't tell anymore. We are different now and I hate that. When we are together again, I am the one who will suffer the most, I have to figure out the redefinition of our friendship even though it is not me who has changed. My love will not change and my friendship will not change, but how do I relate to a person that I have already had a different kind of relationship with? Do I censor myself? Or do I remain the same and make them adjust? I don't want to lose my best friend and there is nothing I can do to change their mind but I will miss the person that I knew, and in exchange be compelled to get to know and continue to love this new person they have become. It again comes back to the I can do nothing but control my own attitude and let God take care of the rest.

What of These Broken Hearts:

My life is in pieces, and not in an emotional, I am going to die and cry every day because I hate my life kind of way. It's more like puzzle pieces. Nursing school is in limbo, I am kind of excited about sociology, as of late people seem to be all about my music, I am not in a relationship and have some freedom to go wherever and do whatever, I have a job that could take me anywhere, I have passion for certain things and I am just not sure where to invest it. I am working on my passion for Christ and with that I will be able to do anything and be sure that God is in it. I want to be relational. I want to be with people and love people and inspire people and appreciate all people for their strengths and the beauty that lies inside. I have all these different pieces of my life and I m not sure hw they fit together yet...the future right now, has NO plan, it is scary, but for sure whatever happens is gonna be interesting.

I will keep my eyes on Christ, for in Him I can understand and handle all things that come my way. May the sovereignty of God reign in me and in my life.

Remnants of a Summer Past

I find it strange and wonderful how something written in another time for another reason can be so applicable to a current or pressing life circumstance. I think that is why I love music so much. The person who writes it has a specific intention but the person who hears it can completely identify with the words or the emotions, but not necessarily for the same reason. It is beautiful to see how words can impact life, and the spirit of a human. Lats summer I was sitting on a moutain top and I wrote some thoughts, but in a years time, though I do not now sit on a mountain top (not literally at least) these words can still be applied to my life now. The timelessness continues to surprise me. And the irony of the song quoted against everything I just said really is the cherry on top.

"June 6th, 2008- Solo Day"

"'I'm finding myself, at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's ok. The last thing I need, is to be heard, but to hear, what you would say.

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty. To be still and know, you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest, in your holiness, Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself, in the midst of you, beyond the music, beyond the noise, all that I need, is to be with you and in the quiet, to hear your voice.

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty. To be still and know, you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest, in your holiness, Word of God speak.'

I came with nothing and so far I have realized that I am nothing. I fail...constantly. I failed today. I am lazy, I am selfish, I am foolish, I expect when it is not my place to expect. I guess right now I am learning the difference between knowing and expecting. I know you are here in this place as the song says. I know you can see everything even into the deepest parts of my heart. I know you hear my prayers...but I guess I don't know what I supposed to expect. Am I to see a "sign' today? Maybe not. Am I to feel your prescence SO closely by my side today? Maybe not. Am I to hear you speak either in quietness or loud and clear? Maybe not. But is it right for me to expect anything? The knowledge I have of you tells me that I can expect all things are under your control and that you are working in me, but what do I expect TODAY? I do not doubt that you can do anything and I trust that you will do whatever is necessary in me but what am I HERE in this place to learn? There is nothing I can do on my own that will help me to understand anymore than you reveal to me. I am nothing sitting here before you, a fallen, tempted, insignificant, misguided selfish and proud woman. I can do nothing without you. What would you have me learn this day? Reveal to me your truth.

[Perhaps the closet thing to a Psalm I will ever write]

I'm, sitting on your mountain praying silently, listening. Usually I am not quiet. I like noise, noise comforts me. But you are the Great Comforter. So I look for comfort here on your mountain. I can see the mountains that surround me, everyone larger than the one I am on- You are bigger! I feel the sun warm on my back through to the depths of my frozen bones- You are more Powerful! I tasted the rain on my dry lips- You are sweeter than anything! I have faced the tumultous wind- You are stronger than anything. When I finally opened my mouth to give you praise, I was again reminded that you are more beautiful than anything. I lay in the meadow of your wildflowers enjoying you my Master and my Creator."

On the topic of poetry, this one fits the current theme too, might as well ;)

Though I am nothing and can plan nothing, I am not left without a guide.

Cartographer

This ship is doomed despite it's precious cargo.

At birth and first brush upon the waves, my legs

felt strong and perfect.

But the motion of my body matches the sinking of my heart

as I struggle to keep from falling.

The way down is different

than I expected.

I can't do it I can't.

I am drowning in this ocean of calamity

and the tide is carrying me past the point of salvage,

further from what is knowable.

Captive now to struggle, with the salt stinging my wounds,

I am so desperate to reach the solid shore,

so desperate for You to reach me.

I'll never be smart enough,

I'll never be strong enough,

I'll never be talented enough,

I'll never be enough,

I'll never have to be.

Chelsea Dasso, March 2008

Psalm 17. Look it up.

Thoughts I Had Before I Knew You Were Reading This

I drove to where you were today, but you weren't there.

I stopped at where we would have stopped and thought of you.

I bought something you would have bought and I enjoyed it as much as you would have.

I went somewhere you were supposed to take me but we never made it to. It was great and I loved it, but it only reminded me of you.

But the things that reminded me of the days of old, reminded me too of all the things that were never good enough. The sentiment I tried to give was wrong, the way I tried to show you was uncomfortable, the way we used to get there was too hot, to soft and not enough for the time we were spending, or wasting to you. I remember how hard I tried, and I remember the times you tried, but the times you said I failed, or we failed go deeper than you can understand. You can believe what you want, but I didn't fail.

Damn it! The whole time I was away was supposed to be a relief, a break from all the loneliness and heartbreak, and though it was I was constantly surrounded by your context and the things that constantly remind me of us, things that no one else would care about. I drove past all the signs that reminded me of our demise and I couldn't take it any longer.

I wanted to be wanted once again, so I went to where I knew I could find attention. He would listen, she would want me, he would hug me, love me, be excited that I had come, without a warning, without a sound but just to be with people I love, and who I know love me in return. I can see the selfishness in this, I am aware, but I am not sorry. I needed them just as much as they wanted to see me and I returned to the whitewashed walls with a sense of sanity and worth. At least I matter to someone, even if it isn't the person I most want it to be.

These are thoughts I had before I knew that you were reading this, thoughts I had planned on writing before I knew that you were reading this, when I thought you might have actually cared, When I learned that it actually has nothing to do with me. Guess in the big picture nothing has changed.