It Was All a Lie

I'm not mad, or ever really all that sad about the stuff you talked to me about. I am not really sure of how I am supposed to feel. I am already over what we had, or at least what I was under the impression we had. But now with new information, the impression was wrong which means it was all a lie.

I have a right to be mad. I have a right to feel hurt. I have a legitimate reason to feel unloved, pretty much because you told me you're heart was never really in it. I have a right to not want to have anything to do with you, but for some reason I am unable to employ those rights. Not because I am weak, or because I need you, I don't. Although it sounds harsh it is looking like I am better off without you and the sham of a relationship we once called ours, was never healthy and was never genuine so there must be something much better out there for me.

I took everything upon myself this summer. I was sorry I wasn't good enough for you, I couldn't give you what you needed, I wasn't the one, I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to be with you. But I am learning that although I made mistakes too, the problem wasn't me.

But still, I can't hate you. I feel as if I should, but I had decided from the moment you proclaimed the need to confess that no matter what hurt I suffered, you were already forgiven. I wanted to extend the grace to you that has been extended to me, a grace that far goes beyond anything I deserve, and deep into the heart of what has saved me from my suffering. I hope that you can see what I have tried to do, not be filled with hate, and not be s bitch, but love you despite the pain you have caused. I hope that you can understand that I have tried SO hard to be this way and that by no stretch of the imagination has it been easy.

I know that you hurt too, and I am not trying to delegitimize your pain, but it makes it hard for me to believe you when things were kept a secret, and motivations were never out of anything but selfish desire. I poured every inch of my soul and every piece of my heart into loving you and to a certain extent I am glad you broke it, because I would have never received that in return.

Learn from this. Don't repeat these mistakes. Don't hurt someone else the way you have hurt me. If I mean nothing else to you I hope that I was able to show you something about love, and I hope that someday you can love with every piece of your being, and with every part of your heart. Don't let this be a waste, and I will try not to let it become that either. We owe it to each other to learn, to be challenged by this, to be forgiven and to become more like Christ through this situation. As Christ continues to love us, so I will continue to love you.

I Can't Sleep...

I can't sleep and I am not sure I have much to say really. It's one of those things where tons of things are going on in your head, but none of them can really be explained or put into words. I need a new job so I am making a list in my head. I had a hard conversation, so I am processing all of that. I have lots of homework that never seems to let up, I haven't hung out with many of my friends, which bums me out. I want to go somewhere with music, but I feel like I have neither the time nor the money to pursue it. I want to keep volunteering with youth group and keeping relationships with those kids but it is hard to balance that with everything else. I spend 15 hours a week in class, 25 at work (at least that is what it should be until recent developments) about 20, if not more, hours doing homework, 6 volunteering at various places and hopefully at least 49 hours sleeping (7 hours a night) that pretty much leaves me with Friday nights and Saturdays to squeeze in music and some kind of recharge and social life, along with some extra homework that needs to get done. I don't mind a busy life except that it makes me so unflexible...which I don't like. I'm tired...nothing is easy anymore, and I feel like at this point nothing is going to et easy. I feel like I am working so hard and trying to do everything right and well and there is no reward. I might get ok grades, but grades aren't everything. I like my job and people at me job like me, but that doesn't mean I can keep that job when they are unwilling to work with my hours, I like having friends, but that doesn't mean I have time to hang out with them...which sucks. I love music, but i don't really have time for that either. What am I supposed to do...I have time right now, but I SHOULD be doing something else. Always, should be doing something else. Now I get to spend my time still doing all of those things...and I get to look for a new job...and I get to insecure about money until I get a new job, and...the list goes on. I keep hoping someday this will all make sense but what if it doesn't. God is sovereign but what if I never get to see how the pieces fit together...what if I never get to know why all these things that slap me in the face, How am I supposed to learn to be a better person through all of this...Does the chameleon ever get tired of changing? (Children's book!! I'm writing it!)

I'm tired now, I hope I can sleep.

Never Not Changing

I am sitting waiting for my mac and cheese to boil and I am trying not to boil over myself. I just finally get into a routine that is not easy but works out and now everything is different. Well not everything but the one thing that is keeping me afloat...my job.

So now I get to look for a new job...and I'm really excited about it. By the time my life is over, I am going to become a chameleon...I can adapt to any situation...pray for me, change is hard. My mac and cheese is done.

I Want to Write a Poem

I want to write a poem

about where my heart has gone.

It's buried in a building that I walk past everyday,

of lifeless in a hospital, a place I never made.

I want to write a poem about how pain it comes in waves,

and love it comes and goes away

though never far from where you chose to leave it.

I want to write a poem about purpose and forgiveness,

about hope and future promise,

about the day when the things I need are cherished gifts sent right to me.

I want to write a poem about excitement, about sorrow, about the life I'll lead tomorrow and the prayer I have that I will lead it right.

I want to write a poem about belief in things I can't yet see,

the reasons for the pain I feel and the lack of guarantees in life that make it what it is.

I want to write a poem that so eloquently speaks of love and life and pain and strife, of loss and grief, of sin and man's chief end. I want to be creative, but this is all I've got. I want to be amazing but perhaps it's not my lot. I want to live for you and to understand your plan,

and not be left uneven and alone upon this sinking sand.

And so I'll write a poem, someday down the road. Perhaps someone will read it, perhaps I'll never know.

Reiterations at a Summer's End

I don't know how wordy I feel like being tonight, although it always seems to be more then I think it will be. However I thought I would give the overarching theme for the summer and make it apparent to, if no one else, at least to myself.

If one read through all the posts over the summer, one would find a variety of emotions and I am sure this is all just rehash, but I am going to say it all anyway.

I lost this summer. I lost a lot. I lost my dream. I lost my pride. I lost my love. I lost my friends. I lost myself. I wallowed in a broken heart, a broken spirit and a broken vision of all the things I thought I had going for myself; All the things I thought I wanted.

I broke down and cried in church this week. Every song talked about how Christ died for us, in humility and brokenness he gave up himself for me. I felt so broken and without anything to rely on. I had lost everything that I had placed worth in, everything that had meant something to me was gone. Even now, I feel tears well up because I am so lost in this world and in the goal and plan for my life. What do I do now?

I spent this summer so alone and with little encouragement. I have to laugh a little because now that everyone is returning to school the question of the day is, "How was your summer?" and for the most part I don't sugar coat it. "It was pretty horrible actually but at least it is over now." is usually my response.

I have always thought that God has given me a glimpse of lesson learning. I am somewhat able to recognize the lesson as it is being learned instead of being bitter and resentful and seeing the lesson after the events has passed. I am not trying to assert my pride in this matter, but over the summer I was able to see things that God was teaching me, many things I learned but mostly, I recognize now that I had to be lost and alone to know that the only thing I can rely on is God. Nothing else is lasting, nothing else is permanent, nothing else is purely good, or purely motivated by love. However the God that sees all things, knows my heart and knows me and I can truly depend on the love and the grace he gives.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 31-39

Doors and Chapters

It feels like a lot of the "big" decisions in my life have always been so anticlimactic. The decision of where I would go to college had a beautiful ending because of the generosity of others, but it came only after I had prepared myself for not going to where I wanted to go. And now, another "big" decision in my life come and goes so passively. I was waiting for the call and the picture perfect ending to a journey that was long and perilous and hard. I wanted it to work out so nice and neatly in order to justify the pain it took to get there. But if this were a movie, the dream the main character holds dies. It wasn't even a climactic crash, it was a dream that fizzled out. How boring and frustrating! But at the same time, I am only looking at one chapter. Maybe in that movie, this is just one more conflict that defines the character, and when the story is actually finished it will all make sense.

Ok, I will stop being vague. My dream for the last 15 years to be a nurse, has run it's course. I will not be a nurse, at least not at this stage in my life. I AM sad. However I feel like I have this coping mechanism that I apply to a lot of my life. After the amount of rejection I have received over the last two years, I prepare myself for things to fail, so that when they do, it doesn't break my heart as much. I have had to employ that concept this year alone, more times than I am willing to count. I don't want these experiences to cause me to become bitter and angry at God, or the system or whoever, but I don't want to become numb to having feelings, even if they are hurt feelings. But I also don't want to feel like everything I do fails, and prepare for everything I do to fail.

Let me clarify something real quick. I use this blog to vent about all of my angsty things that I don't really want to spout off to a real person. All lot of the time it probably comes off like I am moody and overly emotional and whiny, or full of doubt and fear and a horribly sad outlook on life. Maybe most of those things are true and the only way I can get them out is to write them down, but all things considered, I am positive about my future. I feel fairly useless and confused and down right now, but I know that there is a plan and that somehow I will do what God wants me to do when God wants me to do it. I do trust, and I do have faith and I want to continue to persevere and I will, but don't judge me on only the words I write. there is a time for everything and this is my time to be broken, to be hurt, to be lost and confused, to be rejected by the things that I thought I wanted and to eventually be found by something greater and more powerful than I could have ever imagined for myself.

The door of nursing has closed and that chapter has ended. Perhaps there are teens out there that need me in Social Services. Perhaps the gfts I have been given are more suited to another profession, but my vocation remains the same. I will glorify God in all that I do and when the shit hits the fan, God has a plan. (haha, wow)

A Little Perspective

Forgive my tirade. It comes in waves. (Future Song title, nobody steal it.) Guess I am back to the sane side of my bipolarism. However I went to work today and learned a little perspective on life and death. I expect in the industry I work that I will have to deal with death a lot, I work with the elderly and up until this point I have not had to deal with any resident that I am particularily close with dying. However today I learned something about one of my coworkers and my very heart broke for him.

His wife is literally living with the possibility of her imminent death. She had cancer, and somehow from the radiation treatment, she got leukemia. From there she developed a rare blood disease that clots her blood and at any moment if one of those clots were to break free and move to her brain or her heart or a vital organ, she would die instantly. My coworker was telling me that yesterday she picked out her casket and today she is going to look at burial plots. They both have two young children and they themselves are young.

I cannot imagine this. I mean sometimes I hate my life, but living literally as if every moment were to be your last, and having to prepare for your own death, is heartbreaking and horrible. I mean, really, any moment could be our last as well. We could instantly die at any moment too and it is scary to imagine what that looks like, but a medical diagnonsis always seems to put things in a little perspective. It makes me realize I have no room to complain about anything.

Please Pray for Lee and Rhonda.

Bipolar!

Fuck! I freaking spout off all these words about being content and happy and not worrying about anything and then all the same damn emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I might be slightly exaggerating but I freaking hate being fine one moment and not the next. I miss what I had, even though it wasn't right and it wasn't the best for me, I still miss it! Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives and getting what they want or at least moving in a single direction instead of being hung here with me on the gallows of perpetual change. I feel like I am on a free fall machine and the second I think it is all over, I drop and my stomach and my heart go with it. I hate rejection, I hate failure, I hate not being enough, and I know that I will never be enough, and that I won't have to be, but it leaves me with an empty feeling which sends me back into the vicious cycle of woe is me. shit, screw me, I freaking hate this.

I'm cold.

In Pieces But Not Shambles

I feel like I have all these things to say. I look back on the week and I think of conversation I have had and people I have encoutered and things that I have learned or are learning and I really want to write them down but I can't seem to put the pieces together when I sit down to write. Maybe I should leave them in pieces...which is actually a relevant metaphor for what I feel.

Control:

A summer of loneliness teaches you a lot about you. We are usually so selfish when we have to care about others. But when we are forced to deal with ourselves daily and only ourselves, we get bored; I get bored. Being selfish is boring, I am sick of hanging out with myself and having no one to invest in, or surprise or love on. The ultimate alternative is to hang out with God. I have learned about priorities this summer and what should go where. God first, then others (I miss others) then me, then stuff (I don't like stuff it's dumb and meaningless). Me and Augustine are trying to hold fast to this ordered list.

However there is one giant thing I have learned by being by myself this summer. The situations and the people in my life right now are teaching me that I can do nothing of myself excet pray. I can't change anyone, I can't change any circumstance, I cannot do, I can only pray for others and fix my own relationship with God. A humbling but important lesson I think. I am not responsible for the lives of others. I am responsible to hold other Christians accountable but really, it is not any work I do that changes others, it is the work of Christ. I am supposed to live my life in a holy and pleasing way in the eyes of Our Father and to let that light shine before men, but all other things are under the sovereignty of God.

Church:

I finally made it to church. Only took me two months. Something that cracks me up s when I visit a church for the first time and what are they talking about...MONEY. Goodness that has happened to me on countless occasions. Be a good steward, God gives us the gift of money for a reason, use to his glory, blah blah, blah. Yes those are all valid points and they should be heeded, but what is it about every first church visit being about that. I get really sick of hearing it and feel like there are more important things that the body of Christ either needs to be admonished about or encouraged in. Spiritually feed me, don't talk to me about materialistic things. HOWEVER, the church I visited last week actually did a suprisingly good job and more so talked about the provisions of the father, not the possesion of the thing. I was not impressed necessarily but pleasantly surprised to hear something different than the usual moneytalk. Do not worry, pray. Our treasures are secure in heaven no matter what happens here on earth. Be Christ on earth no matter what possesion you have, and don't become attached, because when all is lost you don't want to find that stuff is where you put your worth and value.

Changing Friendship:

What do you do when a friendship changes? Or more specifically when one person in the friendship changes and the other does not? The things that used to be common ground are no longer common, and the things that I used to be able to share, the things that maybe I only shared with that person, I can't tell anymore. We are different now and I hate that. When we are together again, I am the one who will suffer the most, I have to figure out the redefinition of our friendship even though it is not me who has changed. My love will not change and my friendship will not change, but how do I relate to a person that I have already had a different kind of relationship with? Do I censor myself? Or do I remain the same and make them adjust? I don't want to lose my best friend and there is nothing I can do to change their mind but I will miss the person that I knew, and in exchange be compelled to get to know and continue to love this new person they have become. It again comes back to the I can do nothing but control my own attitude and let God take care of the rest.

What of These Broken Hearts:

My life is in pieces, and not in an emotional, I am going to die and cry every day because I hate my life kind of way. It's more like puzzle pieces. Nursing school is in limbo, I am kind of excited about sociology, as of late people seem to be all about my music, I am not in a relationship and have some freedom to go wherever and do whatever, I have a job that could take me anywhere, I have passion for certain things and I am just not sure where to invest it. I am working on my passion for Christ and with that I will be able to do anything and be sure that God is in it. I want to be relational. I want to be with people and love people and inspire people and appreciate all people for their strengths and the beauty that lies inside. I have all these different pieces of my life and I m not sure hw they fit together yet...the future right now, has NO plan, it is scary, but for sure whatever happens is gonna be interesting.

I will keep my eyes on Christ, for in Him I can understand and handle all things that come my way. May the sovereignty of God reign in me and in my life.

Remnants of a Summer Past

I find it strange and wonderful how something written in another time for another reason can be so applicable to a current or pressing life circumstance. I think that is why I love music so much. The person who writes it has a specific intention but the person who hears it can completely identify with the words or the emotions, but not necessarily for the same reason. It is beautiful to see how words can impact life, and the spirit of a human. Lats summer I was sitting on a moutain top and I wrote some thoughts, but in a years time, though I do not now sit on a mountain top (not literally at least) these words can still be applied to my life now. The timelessness continues to surprise me. And the irony of the song quoted against everything I just said really is the cherry on top.

"June 6th, 2008- Solo Day"

"'I'm finding myself, at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's ok. The last thing I need, is to be heard, but to hear, what you would say.

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty. To be still and know, you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest, in your holiness, Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself, in the midst of you, beyond the music, beyond the noise, all that I need, is to be with you and in the quiet, to hear your voice.

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty. To be still and know, you're in this place. Please let me stay and rest, in your holiness, Word of God speak.'

I came with nothing and so far I have realized that I am nothing. I fail...constantly. I failed today. I am lazy, I am selfish, I am foolish, I expect when it is not my place to expect. I guess right now I am learning the difference between knowing and expecting. I know you are here in this place as the song says. I know you can see everything even into the deepest parts of my heart. I know you hear my prayers...but I guess I don't know what I supposed to expect. Am I to see a "sign' today? Maybe not. Am I to feel your prescence SO closely by my side today? Maybe not. Am I to hear you speak either in quietness or loud and clear? Maybe not. But is it right for me to expect anything? The knowledge I have of you tells me that I can expect all things are under your control and that you are working in me, but what do I expect TODAY? I do not doubt that you can do anything and I trust that you will do whatever is necessary in me but what am I HERE in this place to learn? There is nothing I can do on my own that will help me to understand anymore than you reveal to me. I am nothing sitting here before you, a fallen, tempted, insignificant, misguided selfish and proud woman. I can do nothing without you. What would you have me learn this day? Reveal to me your truth.

[Perhaps the closet thing to a Psalm I will ever write]

I'm, sitting on your mountain praying silently, listening. Usually I am not quiet. I like noise, noise comforts me. But you are the Great Comforter. So I look for comfort here on your mountain. I can see the mountains that surround me, everyone larger than the one I am on- You are bigger! I feel the sun warm on my back through to the depths of my frozen bones- You are more Powerful! I tasted the rain on my dry lips- You are sweeter than anything! I have faced the tumultous wind- You are stronger than anything. When I finally opened my mouth to give you praise, I was again reminded that you are more beautiful than anything. I lay in the meadow of your wildflowers enjoying you my Master and my Creator."

On the topic of poetry, this one fits the current theme too, might as well ;)

Though I am nothing and can plan nothing, I am not left without a guide.

Cartographer

This ship is doomed despite it's precious cargo.

At birth and first brush upon the waves, my legs

felt strong and perfect.

But the motion of my body matches the sinking of my heart

as I struggle to keep from falling.

The way down is different

than I expected.

I can't do it I can't.

I am drowning in this ocean of calamity

and the tide is carrying me past the point of salvage,

further from what is knowable.

Captive now to struggle, with the salt stinging my wounds,

I am so desperate to reach the solid shore,

so desperate for You to reach me.

I'll never be smart enough,

I'll never be strong enough,

I'll never be talented enough,

I'll never be enough,

I'll never have to be.

Chelsea Dasso, March 2008

Psalm 17. Look it up.

Thoughts I Had Before I Knew You Were Reading This

I drove to where you were today, but you weren't there.

I stopped at where we would have stopped and thought of you.

I bought something you would have bought and I enjoyed it as much as you would have.

I went somewhere you were supposed to take me but we never made it to. It was great and I loved it, but it only reminded me of you.

But the things that reminded me of the days of old, reminded me too of all the things that were never good enough. The sentiment I tried to give was wrong, the way I tried to show you was uncomfortable, the way we used to get there was too hot, to soft and not enough for the time we were spending, or wasting to you. I remember how hard I tried, and I remember the times you tried, but the times you said I failed, or we failed go deeper than you can understand. You can believe what you want, but I didn't fail.

Damn it! The whole time I was away was supposed to be a relief, a break from all the loneliness and heartbreak, and though it was I was constantly surrounded by your context and the things that constantly remind me of us, things that no one else would care about. I drove past all the signs that reminded me of our demise and I couldn't take it any longer.

I wanted to be wanted once again, so I went to where I knew I could find attention. He would listen, she would want me, he would hug me, love me, be excited that I had come, without a warning, without a sound but just to be with people I love, and who I know love me in return. I can see the selfishness in this, I am aware, but I am not sorry. I needed them just as much as they wanted to see me and I returned to the whitewashed walls with a sense of sanity and worth. At least I matter to someone, even if it isn't the person I most want it to be.

These are thoughts I had before I knew that you were reading this, thoughts I had planned on writing before I knew that you were reading this, when I thought you might have actually cared, When I learned that it actually has nothing to do with me. Guess in the big picture nothing has changed.

Too Many Thoughts to Write Coherantly

I am so confused as of late. There are too many things and so little going on at the same time. My life at this point is all internal and it is so tangled up that I don't know where to begin and where to end, or how to reconcile the opposite sides of the spectrum that I seem to find myself on. I think I will ask a series of question and make a series of statements that see where it takes me. Who know's if I will ever answer them, or if I will ever be able to answer them.

Coffee: The boy who cried wolf. Or maybe the boy who complained wolf so much that he can't even seem to figure out if it is real or not himself. What if he is really not ok? How do I help or find help for a boy who doesn't want it, or does but won't accept it, or will but will turn it around in a negative way anyway. It frustrates me that one can be so content being so unhappy. But who is to change their mind. Love him anyway. But I wish I could help him see true happiness. I wish he wasn't so bitter and angry and aggravated and lonely and opposed to all things that could help explain why he is so unhappy. What can I do? Nothing but love him and pray for him.

Purpose: or lack thereof. A summer of nothing special leads one to believe that there is nothing special. A year of confusion leads to a song that speaks of hope and confidence in the plans that I cannot even begin to pretend to know. Confusion leads to doubt and uncertainty and selfishness. I want it to be about me, but only because I don't know what it is about right now. A summer of nothing special leads me back to where it all begins, if nothing else I am to glorify God and enjoy him forever, guess I will start by getting to know him and not worrying about myself and all the things I want, But rather what God wants of me.

HEART: Shattered glass? White frosting over a burnt cake? Mary Poppins? Maybe a litte of all of them. I think it is right, but are my reasons selfish? I need this, I want that, he wasn't it, or maybe didn't want to be. Is it justified to think that there is something better, something more suited for me or for him? But what about the times that blessed my soul beyond compare? I am unable to forget and move on so easily. My time, my heart, my life was truly invested, and the bottom just fell out of the market. I lost something very valuable, someone very valuable. People underestimate the grief that comes with the end of a relationship. A part of you has died with that end. To a certain extent that person, the way you know them , the way you loved them, has died, just perhaps as their love for you has died. That hurts. That makes me sad and makes me want to cry and beg and wish that things were different. And I do sometimes, I wish that things were different, that things would have been different or turned out differently, but I don't wish for things to be the same as they were. Maybe we need to change and grow, to move on. Maybe we need to change and grow and realize things about each other and ourselves. Maybe we need to die to the desires of our heart, in order to find the desires of our heart for God. I'm not faking being ok, but I am not Not ok, But I am not completely ok. I don't know what to think and what to feel because I am torn in all directions. I am all over the board and the stagnancy of the summer isn't helping me with anything, except continuing the confusion of what the hell is going on in my life.

Plans: Live today, because tomorrow is out of my hands and yesterday isn't worth rehashing. Breathe today, becuase it is the only breath I have right now. Love today, and maybe someday I will be loved in the same way, the kind that never fades that never changes that never waxes and wanes with the frustration and the distance and the complexities of living. If today was my last day to live, today should be worth living.

Why is Nothing Easy?

Shit! This has been the worst day! I am angry and confused and not understanding of my life the way it is. I wrote a letter, it had a lot of swear words, it had a lot of frustration, I have a lot of frustration. I am listening to Coldplay's Fix You...an interesting juxtaposition if you who know me and think about it. "Tears streaming, down your face..." Sounds about right, actually the whole song fits me at this moment.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I try my best, I try to do what I think is right, and somehow I still fail. I throw my all into everything I put forth, and somehow, it's still not good enough. I ask for little and it still feels like to much becuase I never get what I ask for. Guess I should stop asking. I look at my life and my situation and I can see the little miracles, I can see that God is watching out for me in lots of ways, but why are all the things that fall apart, the things that will hurt the most? or why does it all pile up on the same day, or the same weekend? I don't get it. And I don't want to deal with it.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

I work with people who don't get second chances, people who have been in horrible accidents, who have been paralyzed, who can't talk, who can't move. They can't tell theur mother that they love them. Sometimes they can't tell their families anything, because their families have abadoned them after their accidents. They live alone in their heads, or maybe not even their heads, maybe they just live, with no joy, and only pain, physical, emotional. How lucky am I right? I get to talk to others, I know that others love me, I have friends and family that don't abandon me, I can experience joy, and laughter, and love and hope. My worst day would be a best day in their world. So why is it on days like today, all I want to do is curl up into a grave and never wake up? I am selfish.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I want I want I want. There are things I want. There are things I don't want. I want to get mad and I want everyone to know I'm mad. I want to scream and cry and yell and I want everyone to hear I hate feeling like this! I want to be loved and not be afraid of not being loved anymore! I want to have faith when my faith is tested...CONSTANTLY. I want to be unwavering, but I don't feel unwavering. I want my friend back, I want to talk to them about God the way we used to. I want their wise Godly comfort the way they used to give it. I want my best friend back. I want them to care about me, the way I feel, what I think, what I love, what I want. I want these things. What I don't want? I don't want SOME things to change. Why? They are amazing the way they are. I don't want to love when it can't be returned, and I don't want to be alone in a love I know is real. I don't want to wait forever, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be feel like this forever.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

So what am I supposed to do? Hell if I know, there is not much I can do. So I am going to cry about it, because I can do that. Damn you first verse of Kate Havnevik's Unlike Me.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

Doubting and Shouting to Undermine Pouting

I am conscious and self-conscious of who I am for you.

Am I as beautiful or smart enough to keep up with new

And novel things you do obtain and then abstain

From other things that I can do,

That I can prove to you are true about myself.

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I keep on asking questions but I only ask myself;

Am I worth a risk, the time, a fight,

A compliment, a sacrifice?

And when my world’s foundation’s strong,

Will you protect it from all wrong?

And when my world comes crashing down

Will you stand tall and stay the ground?

Will you TRY to fill all of my needs,

The ones I know that you can see?

Will you risk your weakness, pride in peril,

to save my life, even if you fail?

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Can I ask you for one word, or for one song,

Or just a kiss when nights are long

And we are tired and we are scared,

Of conversations that we’ve shared,

And how I think you will respond

With too much rage or not at all.

What can I ask? What can I say?

To know you’re love won’t fade away?

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So take a breath to let me choose,

It doesn’t mean you have to lose.

Don’t be consoled by this control

You feel that only you should know.

But be content to be with me,

And not afraid of where I lead.

It won’t be long, it won’t be far

I just want you to know you are

So safe and sound, you’re hand in mine

You’re the only love I find.

So trust me now

Won’t let you down,

I’ll make you proud.

Patience is an Acquired Virtue

Sometimes I need to talk about lessons learned. Most of the time, it helps to talk to real people so I can have some feedback, but sometimes it feels good to just write it out, and in this case, I just need to write it out. However, I figure sharing it isn't a bad idea, maybe you will teach me something, or maybe my lessons can help you. I think it is important to be vulnerable with one another, honest in our weakest moments, and here is one of mine.

"This year's been crazy. I've had ups and downs, been turned a round a time or two.
But I keep believing, that this road I'm on, the one I've crawled, is tried and true.
Time has taught me, words are spoken, hearts get broken and out plans change.
But love has not forgot me, in the wonder of the thunder, some things remain the same."

These are some lyrics to a new song I am writing but can't seem to get too much further than this. But anyone who knows anything about the last year of my life might understand some of these words, or the irony in some of the chosen vocabulary. AS A COMPLETE SIDENOTE...I think when God was establishing how the English language and probably all languages for that matter, he thought to give the option to juxtapose words that are opposite, but still rhyme! :) Add that to my list of simple pleasures. Maybe I will write that note next ;)

Anyway I digress. Patience is what I want to talk about. Meriam- Webster Dictionary says the word patience comes from the Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of PATI which means to suffer. Oh Latin! Definitions to follow, Patient means:

1: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3: not hasty or impetuous
4: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. able or willing to bear

It has been about 15 months of learning to be patient, and it isn't something you are, it is something you learn to become. I spent some of that time, being angry because I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it. I spent some of that time being confused about why I didn't deserve to have what I want. I spent some of that time crying when I thought what I wanted was lost forever. My mom taught me about prayer when I was young and throughout my life I have shared it with many a child at camp, but the simplicity of the statement continues to surprise me. Sometimes God says yes to our prayers, sometimes God says no, and sometimes God says Wait. I am acquiring the ablilty to bear trials calmly without complaint, to manifest forbearance under provocation or strain, I have learned to not be hasty, but to remain steadfast. But my favorite definition and the one that I most want to resemble, is the last. I want to be willing and able to bear whatever I encounter.

You know the word willing is interesting, I am not going to meriam-webster it, but to be willing to do something means that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you have to heart to face what you must, and to follow through no matter the cost. Soldiers are WILLING to go into battle, and possible loose their lives. Missionaries are willing to go into other nations giving up their earthly possessions and even be killed for their beliefs. Being willing is a CHOICE, Waiting is NOT a choice. To be willing to wait on God is a way to demonstrate that I am truly dependent on God and ultimately his will for my life. I can do nothing to further my life until I am given that direction. But for now, I must wait on God.

I don't know everything, obviously, and I am still frustrated. I think summer makes it harder because there is nothing to strive for. You work and hang out. There is satisfaction in hard work, but not fulfillment. I still feel like I am waiting for the rest of my life to begin. to know my purpose and plan. And very honestly at this point, nursing, sociology, neither? I give any and all preferences up, all I long for is real direction and less limbo. I guess what I want is contentment in whatever my life holds, and whatever vocation or occupation I am supposed to have. I know there is a plan, that is one thing I have never doubted. I am not worried or even scared, just anxious. But I am commanded to not be that either.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

But here is encouragement I find.

Hebrews 6:9-12 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Psalm 27 (ALL) but 13-14
"I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."

That is all I can do. So I will be willing to wait, I will choose to learn patience, and the only way to learn patience is to endure struggle. So bring it on, because I do not bear these burdens alone, in fact, I don't need to bear them at all. There is my long winded vent, hope someone finds me interesting if nothing else. :) I guess I never talk about wine, but I think you get the gist.