Question: What is Love?

I know what love is. Most people would now say, "or at least I thought I did." But I know what love is. Love is unconditional despite great hurt and hardship, love is sacrifice for the good of no oneself but the person they love. Love is listening when someone needs to talk and talking when someone needs to hear. Love is dealing with the monotony, and overcoming the struggle, and saying nothing, but communicating to that person that you love that you are not going anywhere, ever. I know what love is because I was in love.

So when do I know that I am not in love anymore? What if I don't know how to not be in love? When do I fully recognize that I don't love someone anymore, is it when they decide to not love me? Is is when they don't want to be with me anymore? Is it when I am hurt by them? If these are things that should make me believe I am not in love anymore, then why do still feel like I am still in love. Or maybe I am not, but how do I recognize the difference?

People have told me that you never truly let go of your first love, and others say that you never really get over the first love, until you throw yourself into another relationship that leads to love. Maybe I have convinced myself I am not in love anymore. But what if I am never ready to be in another relationship? What if I feel like I am incapable to loving anyone else? That's not fair. That's not fair to me or anyone that wants to love me. Why and how can I still be in love with someone who I know I can't be with, who I know I shouldn't be with, but for some reason is the only person I want to be with?

Do we really choose who we love? Or is it really that we can't fight who we love? If it is the first one, then we should be able to choose who we don't love anymore. But if it is the second, then what am i supposed to do? Why would God allow us to love someone we know we cannot be with? Why would God give us a hope and a dream that would never be filled? Are we supposed to find that nothing in this world satisfies but Christ? Done. I know that. I have peace that God gives and God takes away but I have little peace for the things he has removed and little contentment and understanding of why I still feel the way I do.

There are boys out there that want me. I have never been that girl that every boy wanted, that was never me. So why now? And why now that everyone wants me, am I unable to return any feeling and depth? If I had to pick anyone to be with, the first one that I would choose would be the one I chose to lose, and who chose to lose me. I don't want to get married someday and have to say "I do love this man, but I will always love the man I lost more." I don't want to have to split me love or my heart between anyone. So do I wait to heal? Will I know when the right one comes along? Will I know when I have moved on out of love? Do I try with someone else even if I know that i haven't moved on? What is the right thing to do? I have tried so hard to do the right thing but I don't know how to reconcile how I feel with what I know, and what I should do. I am pretty sure life never gets any less confusing, but I hope someday I will know what has changed inside of me and why.

Running in Quicksand

I have a headache right now and I don't feel all that great so I apologize for whatever words fly out that are uncalled for. I have been trying REALLY hard to get my album done for Friday. I have worked on it for the last two weeks straight and have poured all of my time, my heart, my soul and my effort into meeting this deadline. I am on the home stretch but in order for me to finish I need the assistance of some friends and right now, they are not cooperating, or even communicating with me and it is very frustrating. I can't do the next thing until this part is finished. I haven't exhausted myself for the last two weeks so that on Friday I have nothing to show for myself. I have been running toward the goal and made a lot of progress so far and now I am trying to run but getting nowhere. How do I get there without the help of others? Especially now when I really need it.

Guess that's really all I have to say. Thought it would be more, but not so much.