Too Many Thoughts to Write Coherantly

I am so confused as of late. There are too many things and so little going on at the same time. My life at this point is all internal and it is so tangled up that I don't know where to begin and where to end, or how to reconcile the opposite sides of the spectrum that I seem to find myself on. I think I will ask a series of question and make a series of statements that see where it takes me. Who know's if I will ever answer them, or if I will ever be able to answer them.

Coffee: The boy who cried wolf. Or maybe the boy who complained wolf so much that he can't even seem to figure out if it is real or not himself. What if he is really not ok? How do I help or find help for a boy who doesn't want it, or does but won't accept it, or will but will turn it around in a negative way anyway. It frustrates me that one can be so content being so unhappy. But who is to change their mind. Love him anyway. But I wish I could help him see true happiness. I wish he wasn't so bitter and angry and aggravated and lonely and opposed to all things that could help explain why he is so unhappy. What can I do? Nothing but love him and pray for him.

Purpose: or lack thereof. A summer of nothing special leads one to believe that there is nothing special. A year of confusion leads to a song that speaks of hope and confidence in the plans that I cannot even begin to pretend to know. Confusion leads to doubt and uncertainty and selfishness. I want it to be about me, but only because I don't know what it is about right now. A summer of nothing special leads me back to where it all begins, if nothing else I am to glorify God and enjoy him forever, guess I will start by getting to know him and not worrying about myself and all the things I want, But rather what God wants of me.

HEART: Shattered glass? White frosting over a burnt cake? Mary Poppins? Maybe a litte of all of them. I think it is right, but are my reasons selfish? I need this, I want that, he wasn't it, or maybe didn't want to be. Is it justified to think that there is something better, something more suited for me or for him? But what about the times that blessed my soul beyond compare? I am unable to forget and move on so easily. My time, my heart, my life was truly invested, and the bottom just fell out of the market. I lost something very valuable, someone very valuable. People underestimate the grief that comes with the end of a relationship. A part of you has died with that end. To a certain extent that person, the way you know them , the way you loved them, has died, just perhaps as their love for you has died. That hurts. That makes me sad and makes me want to cry and beg and wish that things were different. And I do sometimes, I wish that things were different, that things would have been different or turned out differently, but I don't wish for things to be the same as they were. Maybe we need to change and grow, to move on. Maybe we need to change and grow and realize things about each other and ourselves. Maybe we need to die to the desires of our heart, in order to find the desires of our heart for God. I'm not faking being ok, but I am not Not ok, But I am not completely ok. I don't know what to think and what to feel because I am torn in all directions. I am all over the board and the stagnancy of the summer isn't helping me with anything, except continuing the confusion of what the hell is going on in my life.

Plans: Live today, because tomorrow is out of my hands and yesterday isn't worth rehashing. Breathe today, becuase it is the only breath I have right now. Love today, and maybe someday I will be loved in the same way, the kind that never fades that never changes that never waxes and wanes with the frustration and the distance and the complexities of living. If today was my last day to live, today should be worth living.

Why is Nothing Easy?

Shit! This has been the worst day! I am angry and confused and not understanding of my life the way it is. I wrote a letter, it had a lot of swear words, it had a lot of frustration, I have a lot of frustration. I am listening to Coldplay's Fix You...an interesting juxtaposition if you who know me and think about it. "Tears streaming, down your face..." Sounds about right, actually the whole song fits me at this moment.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I try my best, I try to do what I think is right, and somehow I still fail. I throw my all into everything I put forth, and somehow, it's still not good enough. I ask for little and it still feels like to much becuase I never get what I ask for. Guess I should stop asking. I look at my life and my situation and I can see the little miracles, I can see that God is watching out for me in lots of ways, but why are all the things that fall apart, the things that will hurt the most? or why does it all pile up on the same day, or the same weekend? I don't get it. And I don't want to deal with it.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

I work with people who don't get second chances, people who have been in horrible accidents, who have been paralyzed, who can't talk, who can't move. They can't tell theur mother that they love them. Sometimes they can't tell their families anything, because their families have abadoned them after their accidents. They live alone in their heads, or maybe not even their heads, maybe they just live, with no joy, and only pain, physical, emotional. How lucky am I right? I get to talk to others, I know that others love me, I have friends and family that don't abandon me, I can experience joy, and laughter, and love and hope. My worst day would be a best day in their world. So why is it on days like today, all I want to do is curl up into a grave and never wake up? I am selfish.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

I want I want I want. There are things I want. There are things I don't want. I want to get mad and I want everyone to know I'm mad. I want to scream and cry and yell and I want everyone to hear I hate feeling like this! I want to be loved and not be afraid of not being loved anymore! I want to have faith when my faith is tested...CONSTANTLY. I want to be unwavering, but I don't feel unwavering. I want my friend back, I want to talk to them about God the way we used to. I want their wise Godly comfort the way they used to give it. I want my best friend back. I want them to care about me, the way I feel, what I think, what I love, what I want. I want these things. What I don't want? I don't want SOME things to change. Why? They are amazing the way they are. I don't want to love when it can't be returned, and I don't want to be alone in a love I know is real. I don't want to wait forever, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be feel like this forever.

I wish someone could try and fix me.

So what am I supposed to do? Hell if I know, there is not much I can do. So I am going to cry about it, because I can do that. Damn you first verse of Kate Havnevik's Unlike Me.

I wish someone would try and fix me.

Doubting and Shouting to Undermine Pouting

I am conscious and self-conscious of who I am for you.

Am I as beautiful or smart enough to keep up with new

And novel things you do obtain and then abstain

From other things that I can do,

That I can prove to you are true about myself.

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I keep on asking questions but I only ask myself;

Am I worth a risk, the time, a fight,

A compliment, a sacrifice?

And when my world’s foundation’s strong,

Will you protect it from all wrong?

And when my world comes crashing down

Will you stand tall and stay the ground?

Will you TRY to fill all of my needs,

The ones I know that you can see?

Will you risk your weakness, pride in peril,

to save my life, even if you fail?

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Can I ask you for one word, or for one song,

Or just a kiss when nights are long

And we are tired and we are scared,

Of conversations that we’ve shared,

And how I think you will respond

With too much rage or not at all.

What can I ask? What can I say?

To know you’re love won’t fade away?

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So take a breath to let me choose,

It doesn’t mean you have to lose.

Don’t be consoled by this control

You feel that only you should know.

But be content to be with me,

And not afraid of where I lead.

It won’t be long, it won’t be far

I just want you to know you are

So safe and sound, you’re hand in mine

You’re the only love I find.

So trust me now

Won’t let you down,

I’ll make you proud.

Patience is an Acquired Virtue

Sometimes I need to talk about lessons learned. Most of the time, it helps to talk to real people so I can have some feedback, but sometimes it feels good to just write it out, and in this case, I just need to write it out. However, I figure sharing it isn't a bad idea, maybe you will teach me something, or maybe my lessons can help you. I think it is important to be vulnerable with one another, honest in our weakest moments, and here is one of mine.

"This year's been crazy. I've had ups and downs, been turned a round a time or two.
But I keep believing, that this road I'm on, the one I've crawled, is tried and true.
Time has taught me, words are spoken, hearts get broken and out plans change.
But love has not forgot me, in the wonder of the thunder, some things remain the same."

These are some lyrics to a new song I am writing but can't seem to get too much further than this. But anyone who knows anything about the last year of my life might understand some of these words, or the irony in some of the chosen vocabulary. AS A COMPLETE SIDENOTE...I think when God was establishing how the English language and probably all languages for that matter, he thought to give the option to juxtapose words that are opposite, but still rhyme! :) Add that to my list of simple pleasures. Maybe I will write that note next ;)

Anyway I digress. Patience is what I want to talk about. Meriam- Webster Dictionary says the word patience comes from the Middle English pacient, from Anglo-French, from Latin patient-, patiens, from present participle of PATI which means to suffer. Oh Latin! Definitions to follow, Patient means:

1: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3: not hasty or impetuous
4: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity
5. able or willing to bear

It has been about 15 months of learning to be patient, and it isn't something you are, it is something you learn to become. I spent some of that time, being angry because I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it. I spent some of that time being confused about why I didn't deserve to have what I want. I spent some of that time crying when I thought what I wanted was lost forever. My mom taught me about prayer when I was young and throughout my life I have shared it with many a child at camp, but the simplicity of the statement continues to surprise me. Sometimes God says yes to our prayers, sometimes God says no, and sometimes God says Wait. I am acquiring the ablilty to bear trials calmly without complaint, to manifest forbearance under provocation or strain, I have learned to not be hasty, but to remain steadfast. But my favorite definition and the one that I most want to resemble, is the last. I want to be willing and able to bear whatever I encounter.

You know the word willing is interesting, I am not going to meriam-webster it, but to be willing to do something means that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you have to heart to face what you must, and to follow through no matter the cost. Soldiers are WILLING to go into battle, and possible loose their lives. Missionaries are willing to go into other nations giving up their earthly possessions and even be killed for their beliefs. Being willing is a CHOICE, Waiting is NOT a choice. To be willing to wait on God is a way to demonstrate that I am truly dependent on God and ultimately his will for my life. I can do nothing to further my life until I am given that direction. But for now, I must wait on God.

I don't know everything, obviously, and I am still frustrated. I think summer makes it harder because there is nothing to strive for. You work and hang out. There is satisfaction in hard work, but not fulfillment. I still feel like I am waiting for the rest of my life to begin. to know my purpose and plan. And very honestly at this point, nursing, sociology, neither? I give any and all preferences up, all I long for is real direction and less limbo. I guess what I want is contentment in whatever my life holds, and whatever vocation or occupation I am supposed to have. I know there is a plan, that is one thing I have never doubted. I am not worried or even scared, just anxious. But I am commanded to not be that either.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

But here is encouragement I find.

Hebrews 6:9-12 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Psalm 27 (ALL) but 13-14
"I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."

That is all I can do. So I will be willing to wait, I will choose to learn patience, and the only way to learn patience is to endure struggle. So bring it on, because I do not bear these burdens alone, in fact, I don't need to bear them at all. There is my long winded vent, hope someone finds me interesting if nothing else. :) I guess I never talk about wine, but I think you get the gist.