I Can't Sleep...

I can't sleep and I am not sure I have much to say really. It's one of those things where tons of things are going on in your head, but none of them can really be explained or put into words. I need a new job so I am making a list in my head. I had a hard conversation, so I am processing all of that. I have lots of homework that never seems to let up, I haven't hung out with many of my friends, which bums me out. I want to go somewhere with music, but I feel like I have neither the time nor the money to pursue it. I want to keep volunteering with youth group and keeping relationships with those kids but it is hard to balance that with everything else. I spend 15 hours a week in class, 25 at work (at least that is what it should be until recent developments) about 20, if not more, hours doing homework, 6 volunteering at various places and hopefully at least 49 hours sleeping (7 hours a night) that pretty much leaves me with Friday nights and Saturdays to squeeze in music and some kind of recharge and social life, along with some extra homework that needs to get done. I don't mind a busy life except that it makes me so unflexible...which I don't like. I'm tired...nothing is easy anymore, and I feel like at this point nothing is going to et easy. I feel like I am working so hard and trying to do everything right and well and there is no reward. I might get ok grades, but grades aren't everything. I like my job and people at me job like me, but that doesn't mean I can keep that job when they are unwilling to work with my hours, I like having friends, but that doesn't mean I have time to hang out with them...which sucks. I love music, but i don't really have time for that either. What am I supposed to do...I have time right now, but I SHOULD be doing something else. Always, should be doing something else. Now I get to spend my time still doing all of those things...and I get to look for a new job...and I get to insecure about money until I get a new job, and...the list goes on. I keep hoping someday this will all make sense but what if it doesn't. God is sovereign but what if I never get to see how the pieces fit together...what if I never get to know why all these things that slap me in the face, How am I supposed to learn to be a better person through all of this...Does the chameleon ever get tired of changing? (Children's book!! I'm writing it!)

I'm tired now, I hope I can sleep.

Never Not Changing

I am sitting waiting for my mac and cheese to boil and I am trying not to boil over myself. I just finally get into a routine that is not easy but works out and now everything is different. Well not everything but the one thing that is keeping me afloat...my job.

So now I get to look for a new job...and I'm really excited about it. By the time my life is over, I am going to become a chameleon...I can adapt to any situation...pray for me, change is hard. My mac and cheese is done.