Thanks for your patience.
Friendships are funny, and not really in the haha way, but in the strange and confusing way. The ones you think should last, don't, the ones that should no longer exist have been able to stand through the tests of fire, the ones you think and hope are over, pop their scary head out of the ground and the ones you think should have never started, bring a renewed sense of joy to life. It's funny (again not haha) when they all happen at once, or when you can see them all happening around you. I think that's where I am right now.
Deepest Wells But Shallow "Hi's":
I ran into a friend the other day. I had been meaning to go visit this friend for awhile but had just never gotten around to it. I remember the times this friend and I would hang out. It was always good, there was always a great conversation and jokes and meaningful interaction. This friends heart ran deep and I so enjoyed the time we spent together. When i saw this friend, I said his name, he said mine, I asked him a question, and his attention was already on the next thing, another person. I thought about stopping and waiting for a reply but I quickly realized that I would look stupid if I did, because I would not get a reply. It hit me as I took a glance backwards "we're not really friends anymore. damn." Perhaps it is partly my fault, I take responsibility, but it sucks that the well will never flow as deep as it did with this friend. I will miss that.
When You Least Expect It:
I received a call the other day. I received a call from someone I had asked to stay out of my life. It is almost a year since I asked him that. I didn't answer. Why was he calling? Is this the beginning of the cycle I had finally escaped, is this the charming enticement back into my life? I am not going to be that girl, I know that girl; the one who has to figure things out the hard way over and over and over and over, until she is exhausted, hurt and used to a point of lifelessness. I will not be that girl. So what am I to do? Do i open the lines of communication I have kept closed for almost a year, with the hope that I can tell when he is using it? Do I forgive him and maybe see if he wants another go at a friendship? I have forgiven him a lot over the last couple years, it hasn't been 7 times 70 but we must be getting close. Or is it better to save myself the drama and the frustration os having to deal with that mess all over again? I don't know what to do?
Lost In The Middle Ground:
You know how we are different things for different people? I am not saying we change depending on who we are around, but we always have a different relationship with whoever we are with, and we fill a specific void in that persons life. I like that feeling. I like being what that person needs, but what if what I am for one person, is in conflict with what another person in my life needs? This isn't really going to make sense and I am not going to explain it, but it is hard to help the hurt, when helping one, hurts another, when i am caught inbetween two people thata are hurting.
I am amazed however that one of these and I are as good a friends as we are. We have been in some of the most trying situations that two friends could be in and come out the other side, not allowing them to break our friendship, but to knit us closer together. I do hope that this situation is one of those, and that it does not break us, I don't think I can let that happen and I surely don't want it to.
An Unlikely Match:
The jock and the indie kid unite. It's a beautiful thing to see. One would think that this could never happen, but I love that it has. It almost proves to me that anything is possible and differences don't equate to hatred or jealousy, but that whatever stereotype you are, or have even placed on yourself, you can embrace and yet overcome for the sake of friendship.
It is hard to think about things changing. They always will and unfortunately not always for the better. Sometimes we get the short end of the stick. Sometimes we get hurt. Sometimes we realize something about ourselves and through it WE change. Perhaps it is through our friendships that we learn about ourselves, about who we are and who we want to be. Perhaps friendships teach us that even if we fail, even if friends leave or fade away, that for a moment there was value and purpose, that we learned something about life, that we gained something far beyond what we can pretend to know and that hopefully at some point, made perhaps the smallest impact on that person, who they are, and who they choose to become.
I hope that I have been a friend worth having.
