Finally Graduating!! Well Kind of...

Hello Friends and Family!

I suppose you have all received my graduation announcement and are looking me up to see if such a thing could possibly be true. Chelsea graduating? Indeed I am graduating, well kind of. Haha! So here is the actual deal as well as other life events that have and are occurring.

I am walking this May and "graduating" ceremonially. However I have one more semester left and will officially be done in December. After a couple of tumultuous years and lots of ups and downs, I changed my major from Nursing to Sociology. I did this, mind you, at the beginning of this year, my senior year! Talk about cramming it all in! I have put forth my best efforts to pack an entire major into a year and successfully did so, except for my practicum and one other sociology class. I also have one required class that is not in my major to complete. So this next semester will be three-quarter time and then FINITO! I am very excited to be out of school soon but with that comes the planning of the rest of my life, and with that, some fear and anxiety.

I have been working very hard on music and this summer, along with holding a job, I will be continuing to work on music. I recently put out a self-titled, self-produced (well a friend produced it, so we can call it "home"produced) CD with 11 of my original songs on it. It has been very exciting and I have sold about 100 with a few being given away here and there. My plan is to play around town, send off some demos, do some advertising, I have a friend who is designing shirts for me (she is awesome) etc. So lots of music this summer I hope. If anyone wants a CD ($12) you can email dassochels@gmail.com or call me :D

Um what else. Single. Summer work will be working as a phone interviewer for a research company so don't hang up on those, answer surveys! They help us! :D Um also, doing some nurses aide work, hopefully not at the nursing home I currently work at, they are awful...

Anyway, prayer requests?

Better job....better hours.

Music stuff if God wants that to go well (I kinda do) :D

Lots of weddings to go to this summer, safe travel.

That's all I can think of right now. If perchance you choose to peruse through the rest of my blog, please be aware that this is my outlet to process things in my life. Not all of it is happy, actually very close to none of it is. So be kind... and please rewind :D

I Will Wallow Today So I Can Pick Myself Up Tomorrow

I should be asleep, and for once I probably could be. I am exhausted, but because I have promised that tomorrow will not be spent drowning in my sorrow, I have to get it out today.

Once again I face a rejection, minimal in value but the sting hurts all the same. I wanted a job, it was going to be convenient, it was going to be a blessing, it was going to be exactly what I needed for the summer. But I didn't get it. I barely got told that I didn't get it. I got rejected.

Yesterday I was planning on playing my music this summer, having a day job, living with 3 roomates, graduating in December, and touring next summer with a band. Today, no day job, which potentially leads to no music, 2 roomates and no tour with the band. If I don't graduate in december I am going to be PISSED. Haha.

I guess I feel like a failure. Everything I seem to have put my mind to has failed, whether it is a long lived dream, a long loved relationship, a convenient shoe in job, a leadership position, etc etc. The only things I have succeeded in getting are a series of dead end jobs, wohoo. What is it about me that isn't good enough for something better than this? Why aren't I ever the chosen one? Why doesn't anyone want me and think I could do a good job? One time I got picked for something that could have been awesome, and that time I backed out because I didn't think I would. I failed even when given the opportunity. So now I am afraid. I am afraid of never being good enough. I seem to be a Jack of all trades and master of none. I can do some stuff pretty good but there is nothing I am great at. What am I supposed to do if I can never succeed? How will I ever succeed, if I never believe I will? How will I ever believe I will, if I never do? It's a vicious cycle. I choose not to live in fear and I choose not to be a defeatest, but I am more discouraged than hopeful.

Where do I turn when all the doors I knock on are locked? How do I figure out what God wants me to do if all the options I have in front of me are failing? What road do I not see and why do I keep missing it? I have tried SO hard to let God lead me where he desires me to be, but more often than not I feel I am being led down a dead end; or I am the densest person on earth; or I just don't I understand. I feel like my prayers have become futile. Everything I seem to pour my heart into, everything I seem to want or seem to think God would allow me to have, I don't get. What am I supposed to want? And why now should I have any expectation that I will ever get anything that I want? WHAT AM I MISSING?

What if I never see the big picture? What if I never understand why I am being tested, or why I am suffering, or why I seem to suck at life? What if there is purpose in my life and I never see it? What then?

I know God has a plan and I will never doubt that. I guess I just wish for once, I would see it plainly, and it would be easy. Not exactly what I signed up for when I decided to follow Christ. Tomorrow is a new day. I will start it fresh.